As I’m writing I haven’t had my abortion yet. I will call the office on Monday and schedule it. I’m getting more and more pregnant by the day, but I don’t feel pregnant at all. So far my pregnancy is only cramping in my stomach and positive tests.
I have taken many positive tests. I haven’t counted but I think I’m nearing ten. With each one I hope that it’s no longer positive.
I wanted this pregnancy. I want a child. I want to become a mother.
I’m in my early thirties. I’m settled. I have stable finances and a stable home. My friends tell me that I will become a good mother some day. I agree. I’ve always known that motherhood was a calling for me.
I thought the father and I were on the same page. I think we were, but he changed his mind – and consequently did I.
He already has children (with another woman) and he doesn’t believe he can continue to be a good father to them, if we get this child.
We love each other. So much that I don’t believe I will ever love anyone like that again. But he has responsibilities as a father as a member of a family, that I’m not part of. It’s not important what we feel, and what we want. I know he wants a child with me but he won’t put any harm on his children.
I knew the risks.
I thought I was prepared to be a single mother. In some ways I am. I’m definitely capable, and I have a great support network.
But I want more for my child. I don’t want my child to grow up abandoned by her father. I don’t want her to be harmed by the abandonment. And I don’t think that – even if he did come around about the child – that we would be able to remain civil if I forced a child upon him.
We love each other too much. And with great love comes the risk of great hatred. I want my child to have loving parents who can cooperate. I want a better future for my child than this.
And I don’t believe that I can ever make up for the loss of a father.
That’s why I’m choosing abortion, even though I know I want to be a mother.
I’m making this decision as a mother. I’m choosing what’s best for my child.
It’s an awful decision to make, but I only have awful choices.
I love you little one. I hope we meet at a later point in life.
