Change of perspective

by AM

August 9, 2019

Hello to whoever is reading!

I had always thought that if I were to ever be pregnant, the fetus inside me would feel foreign, as if it were this weird leech living in my body, zapping all my resources. That thought, coupled with low maternal instincts and wanting to focus on my career, put me off ever wanting children. There’s never truly been a time in my life where I dreamed about being a mother and raising children, and since becoming sexually active at the age of 15, I decided that if I ever unintentionally fell pregnant, I wouldn’t hesitate to get an abortion.

And then, a few months ago, at age 24 I fell pregnant.

I was totally unprepared for the feelings that I experienced the week after I found out whilst I waited for my abortion. I kept on thinking to myself “this doesn’t feel foreign, this feels like a part of me.. this is mine.” It was so hard, I had always prepared myself for the eventuality of needing an abortion, but never for the actual pregnancy whilst I waited for that abortion. I thought that I would be able to continue on as normal, but I was so wrong. Despite finding out super early (4weeks), I was hit so hard with all early pregnancy symptoms: morning sickness, extreme fatigue, mood swings, big sore boobs, bloating, sensitivities to smells, nausea due to anything and everything (food, smells, motion) and so on… So I could hardly ignore that my hormones were going crazy trying to prepare for a child. The fact that I was pregnant was always on my mind, and I felt oddly protective of whatever was going on in there, despite knowing I was getting an abortion. For the first time in my life, I knew that I definitely wanted kids one day, and it broke my heart that it wasn’t the right time.

Despite this, I never considered cancelling the appointment, even if I had become attached to the fetus. I felt the most sure of my decision in the waiting room for the abortion, knowing that in just a few hours I’d be able to reclaim my life again, at least for a little while longer. Since then, I’ve not regretted my decision for a second. In fact, it was the best one I’ve ever made in my life. I can’t support a kid financially at the moment, and I’m not yet emotionally mature or stable enough to handle motherhood. However it’s changed the way I think about my future because I know I definitely want children now. It’s weird, because I dream about it all the time now, and often I find myself wishing it were 6 or 7 years down the line already so I could confidently start my family. I’m excited for that time in my life, and I know the experience has made my boyfriend (the father) feel the same. He was very supportive of the abortion because he wasn’t ready either, but we talk about these things now. We talk about what kinds of parents we’ll be one day, what values we want to teach our children, where we want them to grow up, what languages they’ll learn.. It’s brought us closer together, and it’s made us excited about our future family.

Now if only it could come quicker…

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