Caught Between a Rock & a Hard Place

by Anonymous

November 22, 2021

I had always said I never wanted kids even from a young age. Fast forward to now married in my mid 30’s living in a nice house and both of us have good jobs.  I decided to remove my IUD a few years prior (it sounds weird but I was thinking lets see what happens even though I was still very unsure about kids). After having the IUD out for a few years I found out I was pregnant.


When I first saw those lines I was shocked, I know tons of people my age struggling with fertility and in a way I felt lucky. But I also felt fear and anxiety. Overall my relationship with my husband is ok, but he comes from a very Christian family and they are very against abortions. I decided not to tell my husband right away just to really think about things. Eventually about a week later I did tell him I’m not sure why as I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep it. He was shocked but excited (I had an appointment booked at a clinic just in case to cover my options). I fell into a depressive and anxiety ridden state I I felt trapped and out of control. I cried and told my husband I was really struggling (of course I never mentioned an abortion he would explode and that would mean the end of our relationship at even the mention of that). I was so angry that I didn’t have a husband that supports me in the way I needed he thought he was supporting me by saying he would be there for me and help me though this but I wanted someone who would ask me what I wanted to do with my body and my life.

I eventually decided to terminate (I felt like emotionally I couldn’t handle this, I was 8.5 weeks along) I had the procedure done at the clinic and I got conscious sedation the procedure went smooth with no problems. I took a cab there and back. I told my husband I had a miscarriage and he believed it. I feel bad that I was forced to lie and I do have guilt and part of me wonders what my baby would have become and if I would have been happy having a child.

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