“Dude I’m too drunk for this joke. Oh god. Fuck, you’re not joking.”
No, I wasn’t joking when I called my best friend as I flew across campus from the Wellness center back to my dorm. But, I definitely wished I was.
I was on birth control and have a disorder that should make it hard to get pregnant. But here I was seven weeks along, sick as hell, and craving chicken nuggets I knew I would throw up.
So, yeah. I wasn’t joking.
My boyfriend was supportive of my choice but asked things like: “Will we know if it’s a boy or girl?”
That was hard.
Harder still was when I had work the next morning and my co-worker said: “How’d your appointment go? You’re not pregnant or anything, right?”
He felt awful when I sobbed on the pool deck that morning.
The abortion itself was not a significant event. I went in, had it done, and went out. I nearly collapsed in a Chipotle from pain and then proceeded to not leave my bed for nearly four days.
My coping mechanisms have never been fantastic, but I’m better now.
Some days I forget I had an abortion. Some days I mention the fact I’ve been pregnant as if it’s something everyone knows. Some days I still cry over it.
When people find out, I have no problem answering their twenty-five questions about it because education is important. And it’s important I don’t treat it like a taboo topic because nearly twenty four percent of women have had an abortion.
The only thing that gets under my skin is when people try to tell me my decision to have an abortion was easy and made flippantly.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel about your abortion. I knew what to do. I knew what I wanted and have no moral qualms about abortion and I still feel an ache in my heart every step of the way.
I want children. I want little grubby hands begging to be picked up. I want sleepless nights with a newborn. I want to bounce my toddler to sleep after a nightmare. I want that.
But at nineteen, it’s not something I could have had.
I have no moral qualms with abortion, but I am uneasy about giving a child into an over-saturated system which is far too broken. So, adoption was not an option to me.
It is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, but it allowed me to become the woman I am today. I have seen and accomplished things that will make me a better mother when I am ready.
So, at the end of it all, I am thankful. I am thankful for the support system I had. I am thankful for Planned Parenthood, and I am thankful I had access to a safe and legal option. I am thankful that when I do decide to have a child, that I’ll be ready.
