Been pregnant for a whole year….

This time last year, march 2021, I started feeling sick as a dog. I couldn’t eat normal meals. I couldn’t even keep down water half the time. I continued on everyday puking my brains out while everyone around me kept telling me I needed to go to the doctor. I thought I knew my body and I kept trying to tough it out. A month or two goes by and nothing has let up. I’m throwing up 5-10 times a day. I can’t hold any food down except for rice. I was miserable. Something really started not to feel right and then allllll of a sudden, my lower abdomen got hard. I kept asking people around me how to go about this bc I knew it had something to do with why I was so sick for so long. I finally decided to make a doctor’s appointment. It’s not that I was scared to go but I just figured it wouldn’t have blown over and I wouldn’t have had to go.

I get to the doctors office and I’m explaining absolutely everything that had happened to me in the last few months. she had me lie down and she felt around my stomach. Mind you this is just a normal doctor so she doesn’t really know much of what she’s feeling for. She finally lays me up and asks me to pee in a cup bc on top of all of this, I thought I had contracted BV after a yeast infection. At this point she’s told me that everything I’ve explained to her, leads her to believe I may be pregnant. Instantly I assure her that’s not possible but we can test just to make sure. She then tells me she’s going to send my pee off for cultures but at this point she’s scared me too much. My mom and I decided to go to the pharmacy and pick home a few at home tests.

Get home and instantly started stalling bc I’ve never done this before, nor did I want to see the result, negative or positive. I pee on the first and I must have did it wrong bc I got the book on the screen. Mind you this is the first time i’ve ever taken a test. I go and take another and flip it over. I’m outside and finally decided to look and it was positive.

I cannot explain the wave of emotions that came over me but all I wanted was my mom. 24 and all I wanted was my mom. I kept trying to get ahold of her but no luck for about an hour. Finally i get to talk to her and I tell her what she was already expecting bc of the appointment. My very first thought was, I cannot keep this. My boyfriend and I were at a bad spot in our relationship. We had just started figuring stuff out. I didn’t have a car or a license at the time. So basically my world came to a halt. But I knew one thing, I couldn’t keep this baby. I knew the last time I had my period and calculated what I could from it and started calling around.

Unfortunately I was very much farther along than I should have been and the state that I live in (md) only offers up to 17 weeks I think. but, my luck, we live about a 2 hour drive from DC. Where later abortions are approved up to 26 weeks without a court case. I had never felt more alone or scared in my life. I called this clinic, honestly, it was the first one I saw when I searched late term, and I called right away. I told the girl I had no idea how to go about this but I needed to get the ball rolling. This was only a matter of 20 minutes after the test. I knew instantly that I couldn’t keep it, nor did I want to. I was in denial the whole time bc how could I be pregnant….I had always given myself an age that I knew I’d be ready for a kid, not that I wouldn’t be a good mom but I want to live my own life for a little before I take care of someone else’s and I always knew a child wouldn’t fit into my life until later years, which I was fine with. My parents are older and I think i was raised better bc I had parents with many years of wisdom under their belt.

So i get to make the appointment which was made for Friday and I called on a Monday. My time goes so slow bc now I know I’m pregnant and I can feel it. I have time to sit with myself and almost fight with myself bc why didn’t I want to keep it? why didn’t I feel an attachment? why are all these girls younger than me and happy that they’re pregnant? Happiness was never a thought in my mind when it came to the fact that I was carrying a child.

I drive about 2 hours away from my house to the city of DC that I do not know pretty well. Long story short, I get the wrong address and go to the wrong place. I call the right place and ask if I can still come bc I would be late by that point and she basically told me no. So i’m losing it in the middle of DC bc I took off work, drove 2 hours away just to go to the wrong place. So I make a new appointment and now have to wait 5 more days. As if 4 months wasn’t enough. The day finally comes and I’m ready. Nervous but ready. We drove there and it seemed like it took a whole 10 minutes.

Due to covid, you weren’t allowed to have anyone with you. That automatically made me feel alone. Even though I was in the room filled with girls doing it too. It was just hard to adjust. I fill out my papers and wait to be called back.

The first person I speak with must be the owner. We talk about how i feel and make sure it’s my choice. she takes me to do the ultrasound so she can give me a price.

With later abortions, come high dollar. I was 22 weeks so I paid 2,200. Luckily I had been saving up but the last thing I wanted to see it disappear to was this.

I figured out I had to have a D&C. Which is the worst but didn’t know at the time. I go in, take the first pill and some antibiotics and get up on the table. She explains to my she’s got to give the fetus a shot in the heart to stop it and that makes me lose it on the inside. I laid back and when I saw that needle come for me. It was like something I had never seen before. But I had to do it.

It sent me through the roof. I try and get myself together bc now the pain is kicking in. She tells me I’m allowed to leave for 2 hours but to come back so I can get the next process started. So I went and sat in the car.

I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t stop puking. I couldn’t even talk right that’s how much pain I was in. My mom is trying to calm me down but not much is working. The time slowly goes away and I have to go back in. Feeling better I go back in and get dilated. While she’s up there. She breaks my water unintentionally. Which wasn’t the best thing but okay. I didn’t know what was on the road ahead.

I get home and all hell breaks loose. I can’t sleep. I’m puking everything I try to eat or drink. I can’t even lay down comfortably. Little did i know this was the start. I finally am able to fall asleep until I have to wake up and rush to DC.

In the car i had to take the misoprostol which I didn’t know was going to send me through a spiral. I started going into to labor in the car. I can’t breathe. I’m crammed in the back of an escape SCREAMING at the top of my lungs. Finally we get there mind you 2 hours late, actively in labor. My mom had already called them and told them my state and when we would be there so they would be ready. I had to wait between contractions to walk inside bc this wasn’t just the clinic. It was in a medical building.

I get taken in before anyone else and I tell them that I couldn’t take the other misos bc I was in so much pain. I couldn’t even speak to her bc of how bad it was. So they gave me the next 4 miso and take me for another ultrasound to make sure there was no heartbeat. Finally I get to go back and be the first of the day. I lay back, they give me the iv and I was OUT.

I wake up in the middle and literally ask the doctor “are we almost ready to start?” and she said “girlll were almost done!” and they all started laughing. I laid my head back and was OUT again. The entire time I kept waking up, this sweet girl had her hand in mine on my thigh, THE whole time. She was so sweet. She kept telling me I was doing great and it was going to be done soon until finally I woke up one last time to them spraying me down and cleaning me up. Which was my girl that sat next to me the whole time. She even said she watched my belly go down as it happened. She was amazing. My doctor was good, but this girl and I clicked.

She took me to the recovery room while still on the iv so I kept falling asleep until I finally had to pee and they unhooked me. I sat for a little longer, spoke to some of the other girls starting their processes and assuring them they were in great hands. I wait for my mom to come up and I’m released.

I had never felt better .

My life was going back to normal as the minutes went on.

Me and my boyfriend were doing better.

My job was good.

Nothing to be worried about. Biggest weight off of my shoulders. and that’s how I knew I made the right decision for myself.

Fast forward to this January, I start getting sick again. Instantly bloated. Nothing felt right. Nothing tasted right. I was sure I had just had the stomach bug until it never went away. finally i missed my period and I just knew.

Here we go again.

I took a test and what do you know. Positive.

I’ve never had this happen. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. 7 years of unprotected sex and now in a years time I’ve somehow became pregnant not once but TWICE. how is this happening?

But I knew, I didn’t just go through all of that just to be pregnant again. I felt defeated. Like why once again do I not want to keep it? Why did I basically waste my time last year for it to happen not even 3 months later.

How could I be so careless?

But as time went on I kept fighting with myself bc I was ready. I just wasn’t ready.

Thank goodness for this page!! I found a way to order the pills discreetly to my house and did it in the comfort of my home. The most easiest way possible.

I’m 24 hours down from the whole process and feeling a lot better. Not as bad as I thought but only bc I had just been through the worst.

Listen to your body, it will always tell you when something’s not right. Take everyday as you can and make the most out of the time you have here. Be free with your decisions and never let anyone tell you, you’re wrong. you know you better than anyone else. If I can do it, you can too.

Thank you to all the women who shared their story to get through mine.

Thank you for saving my life.