I’m very grateful I had this option available and I can still try to obtain the life I want.
It’s been a week and three days since my abortion. Honestly I’m still processing my emotions, but I wanted to write this as a way to pay it forward and return the sentiments of many who helped me feel less alone during this isolating time. I’m 25 years old, I have a good job, a reliable car, and a degree. This may sound stable enough to some people but in my mind, I was far from ready. I have no support, I go through episodes of depression frequently, and the person this happened with is far from the person I would need during a life changing time that is pregnancy and childbirth.
Who would be my village? No one. It would be myself and a child I brought into this world that could possibly grow up like I did because I wasn’t ready just like my mom wasn’t. I always hoped that the person I decided to have a child with would have family on their side so at least we had some help. This person grew up how I did (which was a main source of our bond) and he wouldn’t have help either. Not to mention he had two other kids and I never saw myself having kids with someone who already had.
I became at peace with my decision the day of after waiting in the reception area alone even though he was supposed to come to support me. That just confirmed he would always put his feelings first even when I needed him the most. I saw a flash of what that pregnancy would’ve been like and was ready to get it over with. There was a girl with her boyfriend in the same clinic as I was and her boyfriend was rubbing her back. I was so jealous but I knew I was making the right decision because I deserved better. I know you are probably thinking why were you messing with him in the first place if you didn’t see a future. Well I did at first but things changed and so did my feelings. He is a good man- just not good for me, and me having abandonment issues, I was unable to let go.
The procedure was quick and the nurses were so kindhearted. One nurse, (I’ll never forget her name)Tina, rubbed/held my hands and talked to me the whole time. Thanks to her distraction, the great doctor Amy, and strong medication, the whole process seemed like a bad dream. I still don’t remember feeling anything during the procedure. I’m so glad I decided to do in clinic and not the pill! The nausea goes away instantly. Even though this experience came with so much pain, disappointment, and confusion, I know I’ll make better decisions because of this. I’m going to do the work I need to, so that when I do find a qualifying partner I’m ready to be the best mom I can be now that I know I am fertile and I can have kids! A wake up call for sure. I’m very grateful I had this option available and I can still try to obtain the life I want. I always planned on breaking toxic generational cycles in my family’s history and now I still can.
