Así fue

by Anonymous

February 9, 2021

Content Warning: rape, physical & mental abuse

I was 18 when I had my first abortion. A friend turned lover turned abuser got me pregnant early on in our relationship. There were so many red flags. He was so controlling that I couldn’t talk to anyone besides selected family. I knew that if I kept the baby, that was the end of my life. He quite literally tried to kill me and threatened me all the time. I got an abortion. I left him. Not exactly as simple or fast, it took me a year after my abortion. I never looked back. I didn’t feel guilty. I saved my life.

My second abortion was at 23. Once you’re in one abusive relationship, you’re more likely to be in another. And there I was, a statistic, only this time I was married. No one ever talked to me about marital rape. And I don’t even remember if that was how I got pregnant or not. It’s all blurry now. I do remember him knowing I was pregnant and flipping a bed with me on it. Punching walls. And not exactly hitting me but making sure I feared him. I wanted a baby so bad. But I knew that again, if I kept this baby, I would be tied to this man forever. I didn’t want that. I wanted to heal.

I remember being at the abortion clinic, still coming off the anesthesia, so out of it. And a really young girl sitting next to me wasn’t feeling to well and I don’t know why in that state of mind I shared that it was okay and this was my second time. I thought that would be comforting for some reason, it wasn’t and I can see that now. Reflecting on it now I wish we talked to children more about what consent is, and what a healthy relationship with healthy communication looks like.

In all my 27 years of life, all the women I’ve known have experienced violence. I never reported my rapes. For a long time I never even told anyone about my abortions or the abuse. I felt ashamed. Blamed myself for letting it happen. I am finally at a place with my healing that I no longer blame myself and have opened up to many people. If no one talks about it, it will keep happening in the dark and we need to bring this to light.

This is dedicated to my great grandmother who was beaten to death by her partner.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!