The nurse asked me that as I cried while waiting for the doctor to come in. There had been a delay which she said never happened and I sat there wondering if that was a sign, a chance to get up and run out of there. Those words haunt me, I sometimes wish I had taken that moment to choose differently.
I wasn’t sure at all. I wanted that baby but I didn’t want to be pregnant if that makes any sense. I didn’t want to pass on Lyme disease like I did to my first baby. The antibiotics I had to go on to prevent passing it on made me feel wrong. I was so mad at myself for feeling that way since I’d been hoping to get pregnant with my third since my 40’s were looming. But my previous pregnancies were the beginning of my bodys decline, and I had the strongest feeling that this pregnancy was going to end badly. My gut said it was going to kill me or make me so sick I’d be useless to my little ones. I had been hospitized with an autoimmune issue when my second daughter was 4 months old and hadn’t forgotten the fear of not being able to care for my kids, or not being there to help them grow up. It all made me feel crazy.
I made my decision based on fear. I went into survival mode. I chose what I felt was the safest route and then went through the motions. After the procedure I felt nothing until it hit me the next evening. The loss, the grief, the regret, the reality of my abortion hit me so fucking hard and I struggle with it daily, even after a year.
But I will always remember the kindness of those woman in the clinic, the volunteers who held the door for me to create a buffer from the protesters, the therapist who didn’t judge me when I needed help and I’ll stand up for our right to choose even though I wish I hadn’t had to make that choice.
This idea to share our stories is brilliant because even though I know abortion is a common thread among many woman, I had never felt so alone. In the clinic I was surrounded with woman who were or had been in the same situation but when it was over I couldn’t talk about it. I’d look around in the store or at my daughters school and wonder who would understand my experience. And so today, when my sadness took over I found solace in the stories of others. Thanks for sharing xx
