It was another day
a day like any other
Where I woke up
His face next to mine
I stroked his hair and he opened his blue eyes
They melted me
He stroked my cheek
Something he always did
He kissed me
His lips parting mine
I kissed him back
With a longing for him to be inside
It happened
He finished
But this time was different
Something was off
And I knew
I felt it in my gut
That I had you
He told me to calm down
He told me it would be okay
But nothing could shake away this feeling
That was so strong
Strong within my gut
That was keeping me awake
Telling me I made a mistake
I told him it was real
He told me I was lying
Sadness enveloped me
And tears streamed down my face
I knew it when I went into a store
And felt the heat encompass my face
The sweat dripping down my back
Telling me to check if I was on track
I was late
And I knew I had you
I’m so sorry
I’m sorry I had to say goodbye
I’m sorry I had to get rid of you
The guilt I have felt
Has been unreal
But you see dear baby
I cannot keep you
If I brought you into this life
There would be much strife
We would both struggle
And I wouldn’t be
Be the mother i strive to be
And these cultural ideas have seeped
Seeped deep into my brain
Telling me that I’m not okay
That I am killing a life
That I am preventing someone
From becoming human
But I know that it’s not true
Logically, I know
That I cannot keep you
And for that, I am so sorry
The ideas tell me that my body is not mine
That my body is a product of the government
And therefore I must keep you
Even though I know
You are too small for any of us to see you
The day you left
I was lying on my back
Staring at the ceiling
Wondering when it would be over
Wondering when it was ok to forget
I felt like I let down a part of me
A part of me that I needed to protect
I felt your connection
Inside me
I knew before I saw the sign
The sign on the stick that doesn’t only have
One line
There were two
And I knew
I knew that I couldn’t keep you
I’m so sorry
I’m sorry for the relief I feel
I know that I wouldn’t be able to provide
Provide the means to support you
Provide the means to be there for you
And for that, I feel selfish
I feel selfish but yet
I know what I have to do
I know what I have to do for my body
And for that, I’m sorry
I’m sorry that I feel okay.
That I feel like it was another day
A day like any other
That would soon be far away.
