Another day

by Nadia

February 14, 2019

It was another day

a day like any other

Where I woke up

His face next to mine

I stroked his hair and he opened his blue eyes

They melted me

He stroked my cheek

Something he always did

He kissed me

His lips parting mine

I kissed him back

With a longing for him to be inside

It happened

He finished

But this time was different

Something was off

And I knew

I felt it in my gut

That I had you

He told me to calm down

He told me it would be okay

But nothing could shake away this feeling

That was so strong

Strong within my gut

That was keeping me awake

Telling me I made a mistake

I told him it was real

He told me I was lying

Sadness enveloped me

And tears streamed down my face

I knew it when I went into a store

And felt the heat encompass my face

The sweat dripping down my back

Telling me to check if I was on track

I was late

And I knew I had you

I’m so sorry

I’m sorry I had to say goodbye

I’m sorry I had to get rid of you

The guilt I have felt

Has been unreal

But you see dear baby

I cannot keep you

If I brought you into this life

There would be much strife

We would both struggle

And I wouldn’t be

Be the mother i strive to be

And these cultural ideas have seeped

Seeped deep into my brain

Telling me that I’m not okay

That I am killing a life

That I am preventing someone

From becoming human

But I know that it’s not true

Logically, I know

That I cannot keep you

And for that, I am so sorry

The ideas tell me that my body is not mine

That my body is a product of the government

And therefore I must keep you

Even though I know

You are too small for any of us to see you

The day you left

I was lying on my back

Staring at the ceiling

Wondering when it would be over

Wondering when it was ok to forget

I felt like I let down a part of me

A part of me that I needed to protect

I felt your connection

Inside me

I knew before I saw the sign

The sign on the stick that doesn’t only have

One line

There were two

And I knew

I knew that I couldn’t keep you

I’m so sorry

I’m sorry for the relief I feel

I know that I wouldn’t be able to provide

Provide the means to support you

Provide the means to be there for you

And for that, I feel selfish

I feel selfish but yet

I know what I have to do

I know what I have to do for my body

And for that, I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I feel okay.

That I feel like it was another day

A day like any other

That would soon be far away.


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