by Anonymous

October 4, 2022

I just realized that tomorrow one year ago is when I first learned I was pregnant. I am in my 30’s and I never had a pregnancy scare.

I was in a long term relationship that had ended the month prior. Hooking up with an ex (dude) after so many years with my partner, in a way, was truly ending it for me. I felt like my ex partner could tell/wouldn’t want me after another man had touched me. After that one night of reckless indulgence, I found out 2-3 weeks later that I was pregnant. I had caught it amazingly early, which actually brought complications with the abortion pill. They couldn’t even find it in the ultrasound, so they had to do blood work. I found out I was pregnant the week I was moving into my new apartment. Living alone symbolized a fresh start, my independence and so much more. I was about to start a new job, making more money than I’ve ever made. I did have a home. I did have an income. And I could raise a child. But I didn’t want that then. I was still healing from the loss of my relationship, where there were kids involved. I had envisioned growing our family and having kids of our own together. So finding myself pregnant with a dude I wasn’t in a relationship with and on the path of my independence, wasn’t for me. I made the appointment at planned parenthood. The dude came to the appointment with me. He drove while I wrote in my journal and cried. There were protesters outside of the clinic. He suggested I look down. He drove me as close to the entrance as possible, then walked me to the door. He waited in the car for the 3 hours I was inside. It was nice to know there was someone close by and just there for me. I texted him updates. I saw 7 different medical professionals while I was there. Upon checking out, I felt so grateful for everyone at planned parenthood. That is where I started taking birth control when I was 18 years old. I left a big fat donation before I left.

After the appointment was over, dude and I caught happy hour. It was a beautiful sunny day. We talked, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. He had plans with a friend and asked if I wanted him to cancel, but I didn’t. I wanted to be alone. I walked home alone, what felt like the last rays of summer sunshine. I felt so grateful for my body and the choice I made.

The next day I was supposed to take the 2nd pill which actually induces the abortion. It’s supposed to cause some pain, nausea and going to the bathroom a lot. All of that happened for me, except there was no bleeding. Bleeding indicated that the abortion happened. It was several hours past when it was supposed to take place and nothing. That night and the next day I called PP to tell them that I didn’t start bleeding. They said I’d probably need to take the pills again. I was filled with so much disappointment and anxiousness. The idea of, “What if I was supposed to have this baby?” popped into my mind and I felt sick. Had I just damaged a perfectly good baby by attempted to have an abortion. And now it’s just in me… getting tormented, but alive?!

That day went by and still nothing. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I prayed. I don’t remember if it was a prayer of gratitude or asking for something. I usually like to think of things I’m grateful for before I open my eyes. But I can’t remember exactly, just that I prayed. Then I half sleep walked to the bathroom and saw that I had bled. It was emotional. Oddly long delay for that to happen. I felt relieved.

To wrap it up, these are things I am grateful for:

– dude who truly was so supportive in this process. When I told him the news, the first thing he said is that he apologized for his part in this situation and acknowledged me bearing the weight of it. He said he supported whatever decision I chose to make.

– my one girlfriend who knew about the pregnancy and abortion. At the time, I was not ready to tell family or other friends. She was immensely supportive and kind. She was exactly what I needed.

– my therapist who I started working with just a month and a half prior. I could not have gone through all of that and the healing after, without her. She taught me that shame needs secrecy, so if I chose to tell people, it may help reduce the shame. I have since told some family members and friends.

– my freaking body. It’s been through a lot. It’s healed. It’s got stronger. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared, but also slightly happy. I didn’t know my body was capable of getting pregnant, so in a way, I was kind of happy to know.

– my apartment and living alone. My space is my sanctuary. It’s my happy place of healing. I decorate it with things I love, along with beautiful scents and textures.

– I learn what my boundaries were and how to honor them. I was in such a delicate state mentally, emotionally and physically, that I was so selective about what energy I surrounded myself with. That has carried over in so many ways in my life.

– choice.

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