It never dawned on me as I started being sexually active that I would get pregnant and instantly want to terminate my pregnancy. But that’s what happen and my parents never knew. You see I was raised in a good stable household but with very proud yet judgement day parents. They (more so) my father had a lot of nieces that had babies at an early age, and he never hesitated to express how disappointed he was in them about not living their life “correctly” and going about being pregnant the right way…you know…finding a good man, getting married, building good wealth together and then starting a family under a covenant. So you see the pressure was real for me to do it the right way and at 20 years old a sophomore in college I managed to do it the wrong way.
(2011) When I found out, I didn’t even want to to tell the father because I didn’t want him to get attach. However I didn’t want to do it alone, so I told him and he was against my decision and it made it only more difficult to take him with me. I opted not to bring him and asked a friend who had been through this already and the experience was unreal. It’s crazy once your in it, you ask yourself “how the hell did I end up here”?
(2012) Moving on to the 2nd abortion. This one was hard because I waited so long (25 weeks) with a stomach flat as a board btw, that I had to be put asleep and that was very scary. It almost didn’t happen because my iron was so low but somehow it went through and I don’t remember much about it.
(2014) The 3rd abortion was hardddd. I felt like a complete dummy and failure getting pregnant once again knowing damn well I would catch hell from my parents about being irresponsible and a disappointment. But we (my boyfriend at the time) did it and with him being by my side alleviated some of the guilt because we had agreed on it.
(2016) The 4th abortion was a huge mistake, I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend and messed around with a prior significant other. Although we kept in contact during my pregnancy and I showed all the symptoms and he speculated, I never told. This particular termination was by far the hardest physically because I tried the pill for the first time ever and I bled so bad and had awful diarrhea and I had to keep my symptoms to myself.
(2019) By the 5th one, I could sense the symptoms and I knew instantly. It was all so familiar. It’s very sad that I’ve had to bury all these abortions deep down in my gut and do it alone but I chose to be reckless yet again. No one ever knew about that one either.
Here it is 2020 and I’m at the point in life where I’m unsure if I ever want to have kids and I wonder if I’m even capable of getting pregnant. But if not I have to live with that and I think I’m going to have to be okay with it.
