And then I befriended myself

by Anonymous

April 8, 2019

Content Warning: rape

It was 3 weeks before my 18th birthday when two little pink lines dug themselves into my life. On my lunch break from work, I ran over to the drugstore for a pregnancy test. It was not because I had any symptoms of being pregnant:  some part of me just knew. There in the drugstore bathroom, I crumpled on the floor, unable to hide my screams as I found out the truth…the pharmacist, a kind woman, came to me and held me as I sobbed.


I was so young, so unprepared, and so angry at my “boyfriend”, who had a daughter my own age, was emotionally manipulative and was raping me consistently. I had no idea how to stand up for myself; I was never taught to. And now I was pregnant. I knew I couldn’t go through with the pregnancy, so I counseled with my stepmom and best friend, who helped me make my appointment at planned parenthood. My insurance in WA state covered this, thankfully, and I felt courageous in my decision. The sperm donor couldn’t help because he would have been arrested for statutory rape. I now wish he would have. Still I hold anger in my heart. But I am strong for it.


My best friend came with me on the day of the procedure, and held my hand through the whole thing. I had never felt so empty, so hollow, yet so free and relieved at the same time. It is a feeling like no other, that I’m sure can only be fully understood by others who have made the choice to terminate.


A few weeks later, at the time of my birthday, I had finally gathered the courage to put an end to the abuse I was enduring, and began my journeys into adulthood. My family gifted me a back pack, I got my passport in the mail, and with a friend I backpacked all over the world for 2 years. I was free to climb mountains in the Himalaya, visit underground temples in Italy, canoe up the Amazon basin, and best of all, open gift of my own becoming. The choice I made has sculpted me into the wise and strong woman I am today, with eyes still wide and heart open.  I had an abortion, and then I befriended myself.

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