My mind kept going back and forth between keeping it and not keeping it.
I found out I was pregnant on a Tuesday morning during finals week. I could not believe the positive result on the test and hugged my boyfriend and cried. I am a junior in college studying biology and I want to be a doctor. My boyfriend just recently graduated college and was struggling to get a job during COVID-19. Neither of us were financially prepared to raise a child, we could barely take care of ourselves.
I immediately scheduled an abortion for that following Saturday at Planned Parenthood. My boyfriend was incredibly supportive and told me he would be there no matter what I chose, but I knew he would prefer it if I got an abortion. Over the next few days the pregnancy became real. I had nausea, morning sickness, and headaches. My period tracker app said I was probably 7 weeks pregnant already and I found myself looking up tons of articles about what a 7 week old fetus looks like and where it’s at in its development. I was falling in love with it.
My whole life I have wanted to be a mother more than anything. I am also with the guy of my dreams and love to imagine raising a family with him. I started feeling stuck. Keeping it would force me to figure out how to do school, make money, and raise a child at the same time. I know my parents who are very Catholic would be incredibly ashamed of me. I thought not keeping it would make me feel heartbroken. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it could become. Sure I could become pregnant again in the future, but it would never replace what I had. I desperately searched online for articles about feeling regret after an abortion. I found many articles saying how most people feel relief and I also found a thread where people discussed their sadness and regrets after an abortion. My mind kept going back and forth between keeping it and not keeping it. I spent the entire week crying and feeling alone despite my boyfriend fighting by my side.
On Saturday morning I had no idea what I was going to do. I was nervous that my uncertainty would be clear to the nurses and they would turn me away. I knew I had to see the ultrasound. When I had my ultrasound, I found out I was only 4 weeks and it looked like a tiny sphere in the middle of my uterus. When I saw it I knew I immediately did not want to keep it. I had a medical abortion. My boyfriend was there for me the entire time. He got me food, watched Netflix with me, and sat next to me while I slept. The nausea medicine made me sleep a lot during the day and fall asleep early at night. I am very thankful I had my boyfriend at my side. I did not cry once that day and did not feel any regret, only relief. I had one awful week in exchange for getting to keep my plans for my future. I am thankful I had the choice even though it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I will be a mother in the future when I am ready to give my children the very best that I can. And I will tell them about this experience to also give them the best that I can.
If you are reading this, you are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings. It is valid to feel attachment and valid to feel nothing at all. All decisions are valid and okay. The most important thing is that YOU make the decision. If you are struggling with your decision, my heart goes out to you. I hope that you are able to come to a clear decision and be confident with the choice you make. I hope my story helps in someway to show that I experienced every emotion at once and eventually figured out what was right for me. You will too.
