An Act of Kindness

I was 19 and a boy I trusted from school took off the condom when I didn’t realize. The next day, he lied and told me it split so I took the morning after pill. A few weeks later, I got the positive test and I told him. I asked him what really happened and he admitted to stealthing me. He told me to ‘get rid of it and tell me when it’s done’. That’s the last thing I heard from him.

I knew I had to terminate the pregnancy. I was about to start university. I had no money, no relationship and I lived at home. For me there was no doubt I had to do this. I have always told myself this was an act of kindness for my child, no one deserved a man like that as a father. I’ve always wanted to be a mum and I didn’t think I would be the person to have a termination, but you never know what you’ll do till your in that situation.

I chose a surgical termination and it went smoothly. It was most difficult emotionally as I had no support from the father and chose not to tell my family. Afterwards I felt relieved.  It was like I was carrying a ticking time bomb. The apps showed me this little bean but I knew the longer I waited the more it would look like a baby. I don’t regret my decision. If I could go back in time, I would make the same choice.

It’s been three years now and I’ve graduated, I’ve made new friends, I’ve travelled and I’ve had amazing days and not so good ones. Occasionally I’m reminded of the choice I made. Every year, on July 22nd, I remember my baby would be another year older and sometimes I look at the tiny speck on the ultrasound or the bracelet in their memory. I’m saddened that the father forced me into the situation where I had to make this choice. I’m saddened that things weren’t different but I don’t regret it. I named them Sage because I never knew the gender and I felt like a name allowed me to grieve. It was my act of love towards them.

One day I will be with someone who doesn’t treat me the way he did, someone who wants to love a baby as much as me. When that happens, if souls exist, then I hope I get to meet them again. Abortion gave me a chance to focus on my own life so one day I can be ready to face motherhood again.