An Abortion Saved My Life

My abortion saved my life.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of details about the man who “experienced” this with me. To be completely honest, he was irrelevant as to why I needed an abortion. He was a fling, and I did not see myself with him long term.

I had already gone through the process of scheduling my abortion. I was as prepared as you can be. My appointment was a couple of weeks out, and I really felt like I made peace with it. I hated being pregnant— and all of the things that come with it.

It all changed a week before my appointment.

I started spotting, but heavy. I left work. I had a feeling that there was something wrong. My body was not only my own anymore, but there was a feeling in my gut I couldn’t shake. Something was wrong. I went to the hospital a couple hours later, accompanied by my partner at the time. They did an in room ultrasound. I didn’t know how to advocate for myself, but looking back— I wish I could. The ultrasound showed a heartbeat. The doctor said “A strong healthy heart rate of 81.” It also showed a cranial hemorrhage, which explains the bleeding. I told them I was expecting an abortion and the tune changed. I was ushered out of the ER, and told everything was fine.

Little did I know, there is not a healthy fetal heart rate of 81, not for the gestational age I was at.

I went home, unaware of what was to become of my situation, but also painfully aware of the little heartbeat in my stomach.

The bleeding continued through the night, until the next morning. Things got worse. More painful. I went back to the hospital as I felt there was something still incredibly wrong.

This time was different. The ultrasound’s familiar electronic hum was missing. There was no heartbeat to be heard. The room was the quietest it could be, before the doctor said what he could, “I’m sorry.”

The reason I was in so much pain was because the fetus was not able to properly exit, and I needed a D&C abortion to pass it. It happened fast. They didn’t ask if I wanted it to happen with my partner in the room. They just went ahead and did it, swiftly taking the remains and chucking them into the trashcan.

My world spun. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me the morning after my abortion. I knew it was for the best.

I’m still not over my abortion. I have a happy and healthy child now, and I’m with a partner who provides so much love to the both of us. An abortion saved my life.

Pregnancy is a choice.

I will not stop fighting until my child has the right to choose.

And for their children, and thereafter. We will not stop.