Am I a bad Christian?

I went on vacation recently. Partied too hard. Then found out I was 5 weeks pregnant after. I was adamant that I do not want to keep this baby because one, this baby is not conceived out of love. It was some random dude I met at the rave who lied about his age because he told me that if I found of that he was too young, then I would no longer be interested. Second, with this economy and current state of the world, i am not very confident about bringing let alone raising another human being into this dumpster fire. Lastly, im just not ready. I am 32 years old. I am currently taking my Masters Degree, at the peak of my career, and traveling is my number one priority right now. There is just no room for children in my plans and there will never be. So the moment I found out I was pregnant, my immediate decision was to terminate the pregnancy.

Now, I grew up catholic and I am practicing Christianity. I believe in God. This is why I feel so guilty for not feeling guilty. For not having ANY second thoughts about terminating this pregnancy. The days before my procedure was dreadful. I was just talking to the Lord every chance I could. Praying and crying – not because I did not want to go through the abortion, but the opposite and I feel no ounce of remorse about it. After my procedure, I went to church and cried again. I felt guilty that I felt more relief that it’s over and I asked the Lord over and over again for forgiveness.

Am I a bad Christian for supporting everything that they are literally against? For me, people should be able to love who they want to love without any discretion (same sex marriage) and that women should not be forced to do things they did not want to or not ready for – most especially parenthood (abortion).

I went through my abortion alone. The one friend I trusted to tell this to did not come with me to my procedure because we have contradicting beliefs. She did not make me feel guilty or anything nor did she stop me from going through with it. But she just couldn’t support it – and I respect that. When I was at the clinic, there were so many teenagers in there with their mothers and to be honest I am so happy for them. I wanted to hug their moms and I envy them for having that kind of support in their lives. I wish to be the same for someone someday. I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. But I don’t regret this decision one bit. I don’t think it was selfish at all because personally, I would rather have babies born into this world where they are actually wanted, than to have them born to parents who will resent and neglect them.

When I was praying, I asked God to give this baby to a family who truly deserves him/her. Not going to lie, a day or two later, a very good friend of mine recently announced that she is FINALLY pregnant after years of trying. I find it comforting to think that God has answered both our prayers. I like to think that the baby I was suppose to have was given to someone more deserving than me. It’s still fresh, and I think about it often. What could have been. But in the end, I know that I did what was best for me. I am not ready to be a parent and that alone should be enough reason.