When I was 18 I had my first abortion. I was a month away from going to college, it was not even a hard decision at the time. There was no question about what I wanted to do. When I was 22, I got pregnant again during the process of switching my birth control, again I did what I felt was best for me. For the future I wanted. It was a life I did not want. 26 I had a one night stand with an old high school boyfriend, it happened again. AGAIN, it was a given… I was not going to have a child with someone I didn’t even like. People always made it seem like it was such a traumatic experience, and I felt guilty for not feeling that way. I just felt relief, like I could continue with my life as I had intended.
Fast forward to 34, I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man who always spoke about eventually marrying me . But we had a plan, we would get married, I would move to his country, we would have children. I was aware that he did not want children without being married as he had a child at 21 and spent the rest of his life since making sure he didn’t have more out of wedlock.
I made the choice to get off my birth control. For many reasons. As far as he knows (I did consult with him before of course) it was because it was messing with my health. He was reluctant but told me it was my body, my choice. But that is not the complete truth. I think subconsciously I started to worry about never being able to have children since I’m getting older. My friends seem to be struggling to get pregnant left and right. So I for some dumb reason decided that I was going to get off to “prepare my body”. For some reason I expected not to be able to get pregnant for at least another year .
Lo and behold…. I was pregnant 2 weeks later. I didn’t think abortion was an option this time . Guess we should have discussed this, but assuming that since he already had a child and is a very religious man, it never crossed my mind that he would ask me to make it an option. But he did. He’s angry with himself, (I’m sure with me too but won’t admit it). He keeps saying this is not the Plan or the time. I am angry with him for the things he has said but I also feel guilty and selfish for holding this power because I am making a lifetime decision for both of us. I do believe in God and I must admit I am scared that when I am finally ready, I might struggle. Like I will be punished or something. You see, at this age people would say… I don’t have a lot of years left .
I never felt the guilt people claim you should feel with the first 3, I kind of do now but I really think it is more about my age and probably the realization that maybe my boyfriend and I are really not in the same page after all this time.
I just want people to realize that whatever your reason is, it is always a good reason for you!! And that you might have a completely different reason from one time to the next. It doesn’t make it any less viable.
