All I could think of was my economy

by Mimmi, Sweden

February 5, 2021

I’m a sex worker. For 5.5 years I did escorting and then, because of some circumstances, I had to stop escorting and made an economically too quick transition into porn. I had collected fans on a subscription page for 3 months, it was barely enough to make ends meet, when I got pregnant with my boyfriend. I can’t use contraceptives because I’m very sensitive to putting anything unnatural into my body (I get candida, UVI, pyelonephritis and weak mucous membranes from shutting down my reproductive system) and we had probably been too careless, so thereby the pregnancy.

We knew that we can’t keep it right now (but we hope to get children in the future when it’s more stable for us). I was more affected than I thought I would be by reading anti-abortion stuff. I try not to read such stuff but once in a while it’s there in front of you on the internet. I cried a little thinking of having a child, that it was a big decision to make an abortion, but I knew I did what was best for me, my boyfriend and that in my stomach. The worst was my fright of something going wrong so that I wouldn’t be able to do porn for many months and not get any money. I mean of course you can do things not including pussy, but I want to be able to film stuff without having a big bloody sanitary pad showing. And if I would get an infection it would be even harder.

I was so afraid. I filmed a lot of back up clips and stuff before the abortion in case I would get a problem or just be very sad – that was not a problem because my libido was on top when I was pregnant. At the hospital they asked if I will need a therapist after, but I had spoken to those before and many of them are not good to sex workers, so I wouldn’t be able to talk about everything anyway. I said no. The last thing I needed was to be treated badly. These thoughts and the feeling of not having a place in society as a sex worker (that I didn’t feel I could be myself with a therapist and if I would keep the child the social services could take it because I’m a sex worker) took a lot of energy from me and my boyfriend, but he was so extremely supportive and made me feel comfortable being open with every feeling I had. And eventually it felt better. Our relationship was very tested and some things to work on came up. I am very thankful for that. I didn’t get any problems and have let go of a lot of panic thoughts, because I feel I can really trust my boyfriend now. I am very proud of how we handled this and It will make us a strong family in the future.

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