I will never know if my decision was really mine because I didn’t have the information I really needed
I found out I was pregnant when I was in college. I initially wanted an abortion but I was so terrified. I grew up religious and in a religious state without proper sex ed. I really did not have anyone to turn to; I didn’t know who was safe to tell what I was going through. I tried to visit the PP clinic in my college town several times but it was closed each time due to lack of funding. (This was in 2011.. I hope things are better now).
My roommate at the time was the only other person who knew. We were in a fight and she weaponized that knowledge to hurt me. She told my parents I was pregnant. I am lucky that they were calm and kind and very supportive. But this added to the internalized shame of considering an abortion. With the knowledge that my parents were gracious and supportive, I began to consider carrying and placing for adoption. As soon as I made the choice it was instant relief. I think only people who have experienced that pain of deciding between abortion, adoption, or parenting can know what a horribly tumultuous and scary time it is. Your whole life is completely upended in the minutes it takes for those pink lines to come in on a test. It’s a pain and isolation like no other… and I would love nothing more than to wrap my arms around every person who experiences it and hold them so tightly.. tight enough that they can come completely undone and feel me holding them together.
I am very privileged that my adoption experience was as positive as it was. I had resources and have had access to therapy for most of my adult life. This is something very few people have. Once you do bring another life into the world, of course it becomes something you would never wish away.
But a memory seared in my mind was a night talking with two high school friends in my car, probably 6 months along at this point, and one mentioned the abortion pill.
I had no idea. I was less than 4 weeks along when I found out. And I think the truth is that knowledge could have changed everything for me. It robbed me of my confidence in my choice. I will never know if my decision was really mine because I didn’t have the information I really needed to make an informed decision. And this haunts me in a small way.
In the past decade I have also grown more painfully aware of how much privilege there was that allowed me to navigate placing a child in a healthy way with the education and resources to develop healthy boundaries and advocate for my needs. So few women have this. And it’s extremely alarming to me that SCOTUS included a passage about infant supply in their statement. To force a woman to carry and place, is such a horrendous crime to inflict on an other human, two other humans.
It’s driven my passion for being pro-choice and breaking down any internal stigma I was raised with that previously kept me from being unconditionally pro-abortion for any human, at any stage in their pregnancy.
Today I fight for a future where someone suffering an unwanted pregnancy can choose whatever they feel called to choose free of any societal or cultural stigma. That they have all the information they need to feel confident in their choice. That abortion care is easily accessible, respectful, and financially available to everyone. That if they chose to place it is free of manipulation or coercion and they they are not only respected but revered throughout the process. And that if they chose to parent resources are available to create an environment for that child to thrive.
I know this isn’t an abortion story so it probably doesn’t count, and could even be weaponized by the wrong people. But it’s my story. Thank you for all you do. I love this account. I read all the stories. This is such important work, and as someone who grew up in a place where abortion was so stigmatized, I personally thank you for playing a role in liberating my mind from that oppression.
