I’m sorry I couldn’t be your home
I was scared
And so very alone
If only I had slowed down
I would have changed my mind
A thousand times
You deserve certainty
But my heart still aches
Everyday
– Me
I was unaware, maybe it is one of those things that you don’t know until you know. Like your first heartbreak but I thought I would be able to emotionally navigate having an abortion with ease, I knew I didn’t want children, I tracked my fertility in an app, I was still in the window of no protection needed and I used condoms because it was a new partner.
I got pregnant the first week we met before I abandoned caution and he had issues completing so it was the pre ejaculation… it just didn’t make sense. I was 32 with just as many partners and much less preventative measures, I resent my carefreeness during this two week fling but my heart needed mending from a 6 year relationship ending and he was so fun for our paths only crossed briefly so we were so open to the moment. I bled for two days at week three. I always imagined that I would know very early on, I just trusted my body to tell me so when I didn’t keep bleeding, I took so many pregnancy tests & had already signed up for the ultrasound and required clinic class before I even called the other responsible party.. I thought he was a “nice guy,” he was very certain on the abortion. And sometimes apathy hurts me most. I rushed, I let fear and all the what ifs lead my actions. So many truly compassionate reasons to abort with some very selfish reasons as well.
By the time there was an appointment available, I was already five weeks and filled with hormones I didn’t know how to handle. I think that if I slowed down I would have gone back and forth and might have made the same choice but the what if I didn’t sinks deep into my chest and the grief is heavy. Two things are true. I feel like I gave myself the gift of having my own life without added hardship and I feel sorrow for the loss of the life I never imagined. I wouldn’t want a child to have anything less than the father I have and so far I’ve never met a man that would be even close. This guy wouldn’t have been. I think if I’m this depressed now that I wouldn’t have survived otherwise but I still feel shame and haven’t told my friends or family.
I bled for nearly three months straight, the visual everyday has been too much at times. I saved some of the blood and the pregnancy test, bought birthstones and an astrology trinket for the would have been due date, a pendulum, & a decorative wood box. I filled it with these things and some flowers. From time to time I hold this box and cry, I plan to bury it when the ground warms, marking the spot with small gems and a clay mushroom.
It was only a game, an ego boost, a whim
I never imagined that it would lead to sitting in a room with paper butterflies on the wall, Like a kindergarten classroom except they explain how to become (undone)
I threw up in my hands on the drive home
Drowning over the thoughts of you Waters high in my mind
Consequences from having my hips synchronized in motion
Listen close as I gotta find a way to make it through
As I leave you without a chance
Now every time I think of you I feel a little bit fucked up
May I never forget this pain
May melancholy follow my days
May you find a home beautifully fit just just for you
– Me
