When I was 16, I became pregnant.

I had been abused by a man in his 20’s since I was 14. When I told my father I was pregnant, he made all of the arrangements, and told me not to tell my mother, and I didn’t.

After my abortion was complete, he told her, and she exploded. That effectively ended my ability to trust in my mother for guidance.

When I was in my 20’s, I had several abortions. Most were due to sexual irresponsibility on my part, but I was responsible enough to know that I wouldn’t be a fit parent.

In my 30’s, I thought I wanted children. After 10 years of marriage, my husband and I faced infertility issues (the issues were his), and I became very obsessed with becoming pregnant. Eventually, I succeeded in conceiving, only to discover that the actual idea of having children terrified me. I terminated.

So, here I am today…

I’m 41, and I’m 8 weeks +3 days pregnant. I feel that I am too old to be a good mother, and I have health issues as well. I hope to terminate this pregnancy soon.

Many, many people would condemn me for what I’ve shared here, and I would agree that I could have been more responsible when it came to birth control – but I navigated it alone. I could not rely on my mom for advice, and I haven’t even told my doctor the actual number of abortions I’ve had, for fear of stigma.

I come from a background of abuse, shame, and mental illness. I wouldn’t subject an innocent child to that… And giving my baby away would kill me, so here we are.