One day when I woke up, I just knew.
I’ve wanted a baby since I was 16. Every late period, I’d take a pregnancy test – every late period until I was 32. My story was never out of celebration or joy like I’d always imagined it would be. Responses like, “Oh, jeez, okay, you can do this”, or “Dang, are you sure?” were often put in my face.
I had unprotected sex three weeks into seeing a human after my divorce ended months before, and a breakup shattered my heart. Long story short…
Before my abortion, the thought of aborting a baby never crossed my mind, I just always thought it wasn’t for me. I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy when I woke up one morning, realized I hated what my life had become, and I knew I needed out and that I couldn’t raise a human on anything less than celebratory circumstances for myself, or the baby. I left the baby’s father, packed my bags, and called a safe abortion clinic in my city.
I’m writing to let you know that if this is what you want, this is what you can do and that you have the power within you to change the course of your life, and possibly someone else’s, all within you.
I read every horror story there was and was in complete panic hours before my procedure. I went to the clinic, they performed an ultrasound and I preferred to not hear the heartbeat (I’d already heard it three weeks prior in an ob-gyn appt when I thought I was keeping it.), and a small counseling session. I opted for no meds for my coming procedure because I was scared of the side effects. When the day of my appt arrived, my mother dropped me off, which was sad but because of Covid-19, nobody was allowed to accompany me. When I arrived, they gave me two pills to dilate my cervix, which I was scared of, but because I was only 12 weeks, I only needed one dose and I didn’t have any effects except for slight cramping. An hour and a half later, a nurse came to take me to the operating room. I was sweating and scared but it was over before I knew it. I couldn’t believe it, I was able to walk after and I didn’t have any pain. I went to a recovery room for 25 minutes and walked out to my mom’s car.
Friends that know my story ask why I took so long in my decision. Morals. I thought it was morally right to carry a baby that I voluntarily had a part of conceiving and to stay with the father. I thought it was right since I always wanted a baby, to be a mother. It wasn’t a mentally safe or stable relationship with the baby’s father and I didn’t love him. I wanted out but couldn’t quite get there. I tried to get pregnant in my 1.5 year marriage and it didn’t happen. It was an accident three weeks into seeing someone and I should’ve chalked it up to that. One day when I woke up, I just knew. I do wish I had made the decision to get an abortion sooner. I was physically ill for two months with the worse nausea and breast pain I had ever known. Now, exactly two weeks after the procedure, I know I made the best choice possible for everyone involved.
Please, listen to your gut. It has the answers.
