I was 18, fresh out of college. I’d just split up with my first love and was going through a hard time. I got pregnant from my rebound guy. I was already in a really bad place, still not over my breakup and using him as an escape. He persuaded me to allow us to not use a condom and hid from me that he had accidentally not pulled out in time because he didn’t want to ‘stress me out’. Allowing him to not use a condom is one of my biggest regrets. I don’t feel angry at myself, though, I feel really angry at him. furious, actually, that he manipulated me and lied in that way.
When I got pregnant, I knew immediately I didn’t want it. I didn’t even think for a second. I have so much stuff I want to do and so many things I want to experience before a baby. For me, I didn’t feel like it was a baby within me yet. I felt so so detached from it and, out of fear, just wanted to get it out of me as soon as I could. I never felt like ‘this is a life inside me I am giving up’. My mum came with me to the clinic and it was a super simple procedure. I found the actual abortion hard and painful, but I knew it was all for the best. Now was the time to focus on me and let myself grow, not a time for me to be responsible for another human life. Since then, I haven’t looked back and I have no regrets. However, it’s not the loss of the thing inside me that has haunted me. It’s the feeling that I will forever me carrying this abortion with me. In a way, I feel so protective over my abortion as if it was my baby. So easily defensive every time the word ‘abortion’ is brought up, ready to pounce on anyone who speaks wrongly of it. I carry my abortion round like this invisible weight; it is complex but it makes me stronger in so many ways. Stronger to fight back at injustice and stronger as a brave human being who can deal with pain, loss, love and life. My abortion is part of the complexity of who I am today and who I will be in years to come.
