Abortion at 21, came out more spiritual and graceful

by Sophia

September 11, 2021

I am a 21-year college student in a long-distance relationship who took their abortion with intention & grace.

I took the pregnancy test on May 12, 2021. Leading up to this date I was having small cramps, bloating, and sore breasts – something regular for my cycle. I never thought I could have been pregnant, “this isn’t the right time,” I thought to myself. I took the test, then drove to the library while the test was processing in my sweater pocket. I arrive, look at the library and couldn’t believe the result. So I distracted myself by going into the library to get the work I needed to be done. As soon as I finished I called my partner (who lives in Alaska since he’s in the Air Force – I live in California) to tell him the news. I couldn’t get the words out without crying, so he got the news while I was sobbing and trying to collect myself. He also didn’t believe it. He was excited and happy. But then he noticed I wasn’t even able to show my face on FaceTime and realized how I felt: overwhelmed, sad this was happening at the wrong time in our life, stressed, confused! At that moment he stated that he’d support me through any decision. We also discussed that we would never abort our baby because that can’t be right and everything happens for a reason. But through the process of the abortions, I learned that “everything happens for a reason” can mean many things.

I right away called my local pregnancy clinic to get an appointment in order to confirm the pregnancy. By the time the appointment came around, my partner and I have had multiple conversations over the phone talking through the possibilities and understanding that no matter what decision, it’s gonna be something that follows us our whole life.

At the first appointment (May 13, 2021), I went in with the decision of having an abortion. I have already done an immense amount of research about medical abortions so I came in prepared with questions and to confirm I was pregnant. “You’re pregnant and everything’s normal” At this point, I was only about 5ish weeks along. The nurse ended up giving really good advice noticing that I was still in the midst of depression from the passing of my dad. She shared to make to decide this next step on all the pillars of life: spiritual, mental, physical, relations. I was very concerned about going into a deeper depression with my actions of obtaining an abortion.

I made a medical abortion appointment right after confirming my pregnancy for May 18, 2021. The next couple of days leading up to the abortion I had a theme per day that naturally occurred revolving around the pillars of life. This part is difficult to explain but my main outcomes were that this wasn’t my baby’s time to come earthside. I told them that I already love them soooo much and I appreciate them landing in my womb right now, I will not take this for granted and I will learn and continue growing so that when the time and space are right, they will return to my womb. My dad passed in August 2020, I told my baby that I am sending them to him to learn, absorb, and cultivate with him. I’m only 21 years old and will only ever have had a dad for 20 years of my life. So I want my baby to be in the spirit realm with my dad to gain his wisdom and gain all the things that I couldn’t since he is no longer on earth.

Through the entire process, my partner was calling me every day to offer the space to let anything out, that we came through many understandings: any decision I make is the correct decision for me, be more graceful on myself and others, order my goals and path, lift out of my depression, boost my creativity, develop a better understanding for my body, femininity, cycle, and holistic healing.

All of these understandings are now the path that I am walking in life. My baby came not only as a wake-up call but as a path switcher, “everything happens for a reason”, this abortion was no different. It has shifted my perspective and I am working to be more empathetic and understand, to offer love and care to others and myself.

I am writing this long message to show a different perspective, I put an immense amount of intention into my abortion and because of that everything happened as gracefully as it did. Don’t get me wrong the actual medical abortion, experience in the clinic, and taking the pills were the scariest scenarios I have had in a long time. With the medical abortion, I took the second dosage the second day (May 19, 2021), waited 30 minutes for its effects and that’s when everything starts releasing, those 30 minutes after were so fucking scary!!! I was concerned for my own life. Keep in mind I was having this process while living at home with my mom and brothers who had absolutely no clue that I am living this experience. I was vomiting, heavily cramping, and bleeding all at the same time. I had my partner on the phone the whole time. I showered off after, put on a maxi pad, place the heating pad – and kept myself on bed rest for the next couple of days in hopes of healing quickly. It was very difficult spiritually, physically, mentally but never did I second guess my decision.

I definitely felt sad but that’s the natural part of grieving the loss of my baby. It’s okay to grieve the loss even though I am the one that implemented it. Our wombs hold all of our traumas, an abortion can be a very large lingering trauma but as I released my baby and my cycles after I was very intentional to cry out, journal, sing, whatever I needed to let out those traumas and release of energy.

I started my healing immediately – I was recommended to attend a retreat called Deeper Still. They are a Christian-based abortion healing retreat that takes those who have had an abortion through multiple different aspects of healing. Although I wouldn’t consider myself religious, I would say I am spiritual – so I took what truly resonated with me from the retreat and left things that didn’t. It was simply beautiful to have a space with many others there that have lived similar experiences and empathy for everyone’s healing. I was the youngest one there, all the women were mothers and grandmothers living their life with their abortion traumas following them along their path. They never gave it the time of day and buried it deep. Please don’t do that! Acknowledge! Heal!

I love my baby that didn’t make it earthside, I am grateful for this experience, and I know that I wouldn’t want to have another abortion – that all of this was to prepare for when I am ready to have kids. All the things that I have been learning in the last 3 months have heavily impacted my character. Even reflecting on it now, I can’t believe all of this happened only in the span of 3 months. I have been having different signs of something big coming but when I think about it, I feel that is already here. I am very observant of numbers, animals, and energy. And all of those have been very positive since my abortion. I have another angel watching over me, they’re alongside my dad, and I am so at peace with my baby. I haven’t felt any guilt or shame, I know that I will publicly share my story with family and friends when the time is right. I hope this helps someone feeling overwhelmed by their decision. I am sending out good energy to all those who have lived through abortion(s), for their healing, for them to rise, and for their baby’s to know they are loved.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!