I had been dating my boyfriend off and on since I was 12 years old. He was my first boyfriend, first love, first for everything. Once high school came around we had broken up, I realized I wanted to have an actual high school experience. My boyfriend didn’t like to attend any school dances, hang out with other friends, or go out to do things. It had always been that way and I knew I wanted to live a regular teenage life, hanging out with friends, parties, the normal things you do in high school and if I continued to stay with him I knew I wouldn’t be able to be a part of any of that, it would always cause a fight whenever I wanted to do those things. He would’ve rather had us stay at his mom’s house everyday then do what the kids are age were doing.
As you can imagine being so young (we were together from 12 years old-18 years old) having an adult relationship like we did, it began to be toxic. His insecurities caused a lot of problems between us. My freshman year of high school I broke up with him. It was very hard, not only was he my boyfriend but he was my best friend, at one point my only friend. We went through everything together. My mom has always battled addiction and during those times he was all I had, and to be so young and go through what I was going through to have him be here for me it meant everything.
The breakup was bad for him, he didn’t want to talk or see me. He started drinking heavily and then started sleeping with who I thought was my “bestfriend” to get my attention, that definitely did not go as planned but instead pushed me farther away as you can imagine. 2 years go by and they’ve now been “dating” off and on for 2 years. Time has passed on and now we’re 18, One day I get a text from him and then we slowly start getting back into contact, he had been off and on with his girlfriend (my ex bestfriend) and for obvious reasons I did not respect their relationship. Me and him started hanging out when she wasn’t around and this was going on for almost a year now, she did know about it and she chose to stay with him so the way I saw it was that was on her. I’m not sure why she thought she was much better then me that he would be different to her but that wasn’t the case at all.
Me and him started going out of town together, spending the night at each other’s houses and getting close again. He wasn’t cutting it off for good with his “girlfriend” like he said he was. So at this point he was just being like any 18 year old boy, but the way I saw it was that he should’ve had more respect for me since everything we had been through and being a part of each other’s lives for 6 years, everything had turned into lies. And I know you’re probably thinking “well he was cheating on his girlfriend with you so obviously he’s not gonna be loyal to you” but when you’ve been with someone as long as that and you grow with them then you realize there’s a different type of respect that you expect from that person, you expect them to be real and honest with you.
I was ready to try to be with him again because that’s what he said he had wanted and I thought I wanted it to, it had started to be games with him but I learned to not take it to heart because it ended up just being the normal for us, he would pick me up or I’d drive over and we would stay the night together then I wouldn’t hear from him cause he’d be with her and that was off and on for about a year, until I got pregnant. I realized I hadn’t got my period and that was the only sign other then I thought my anxiety was just really bad because of everything I was going through with him, but I started getting really sick around 4 AM for 3 days straight so that night after work I went to my friend’s house and took a test there.
When those 2 lines showed up my heart dropped I was instantly in tears. I knew that minute I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do it. I had always pictured a great life for my future children. The kind of relationship/situation me and him were in was not good and I knew in my heart that it would never be and to put a child between that was not what I wanted. Abortion was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but the strongest. I never pictured myself having to have an abortion. I understand I could’ve done it without the dad, but I knew he wasn’t ready either & I didn’t wasn’t gonna force him into something he wasn’t ready for. And he’s not the type to have a kid out there and not be there for it, he would’ve been here for our baby but he wasn’t ready and I respected that because I understood. I was almost 2 months pregnant when I found out and you don’t have much time to make a decision when your that far, I knew what needed to be done and me and the father were on the same page. It’s been about 3 months now and I think about it everyday. The most important thing I learned to understand was that it is ok to grieve. Just because you did not choose to keep your child does not mean you can’t hurt. You were still going to a parent regardless. You were still going to be a mother. Abortions aren’t easy, no one wants to get pregnant and have to be in a situation where they know they can’t keep the child. Being only 18 it was a hard decision to make, I was sad and heartbroken it wasn’t a happy thing like pregnancy should be. But I know that what I did was for the best and there is a reason for everything, and regardless what decision you make everything will always work out❤️
