I was in a strong and happy relationship at just 20 years old when I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  I was instantly connected to the baby and was so excited.  Fast forward four months – I had a missed miscarriage at 20 weeks pregnant, which completely changed my life.

4 years later I am in a very new relationship which started off incredibly rocky and unstable.  I am a full time student and work 3 days a week. Finding out I was pregnant for the second time was initially exciting as I have desperately wanted a baby ever since my miscarriage.  However, soon after, the excitement ceased and I realised just how much my circumstances did not align with bringing a child into the world.

For 2 months I did all the right things to maintain a healthy pregnancy, but I felt depressed about my situation.  I felt trapped in my new relationship and stressed about how I would give this child the life it deserved.  I was also worried about how I was going to complete my studies and focus on my future career.

I initially booked an abortion at 5 weeks pregnant but canceled it, I kept telling myself “I made my bed, now I have to lie in it”.   It took me until I was 12 weeks pregnant to realise that that was not the case; I did had a choice and I could take control of my life.  I didn’t have to force myself to do something I knew deep down I didn’t want to be doing.

Though I know having an abortion was the right thing to do at the time, I grieve for my baby. I feel guilty that I was not in a better position to provide for my baby and to be the best mum I could possibly be.  I find myself holding my stomach and missing that hard and full feeling in my lower abdomen, knowing I was creating life.

I hope I will have another chance to be a mum one day, when the time is right.  I will always cherish the 12 weeks I got to carry my baby and will always wonder who they could have been.  But, I stand with my choice and I have never felt more in charge of my life.

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