The abandonment and betrayal from my ex made me have homicidal thoughts. I couldn’t process how someone could just leave after a medical procedure so painful and traumatic all by myself. He paid for appointments and was somewhat supportive leading up to it, but couldn’t handle the pressure after everything. I never felt so alone and angry. He didn’t have to feel any pain from this, and it bothered me so much that he didn’t understand the intensity for me whatsoever.
I was mad at myself for ignoring signs of abuse and romanticizing someone that ultimately was using me for sex, slowly breaking away my soul with drugs and alcohol. I blamed myself for what happened, not being on birth control but using condoms and not trusting my initial gut feeling about him 8 months prior. I couldn’t relate to anything on google until I found this site.
A few days after procedure, I truly wanted to disappear forever. I honestly thought I would never recover from this or feel normal.
I prayed, cried so much, journaled, ran, tried to ignore the pain and blood clots, talked to a friend, ate healthy, got lots of sleep, didn’t drink, but still felt so tired and broken like I couldn’t go on with this secret. Only one of my friends knew but I never told my family. There were a couple days I never got out of bed. I’m also in between jobs right now.
It’s been a week or so. I’ve completely cut contact with my ex.
A feeling has very slowly been coming over me that feels bigger than me. A turning point in realizing how much power we hold as human beings. I am so strong and brave for enduring something so painful alone. And what a huge act of self love to remove a negative person from my life.
I’ve started to look at things in a new light and embrace this beautiful change and transition. I can’t blame my old self for doing what I thought was best at the time.
Sometimes what seems like the most horrible thing to happen can actually catapult you into something greater and better. This won’t define me or my life. I will continue to stay true to myself and not live in fear.
To anyone reading this, please know that you’re strong enough to overcome this fully by yourself, you’re not alone in how you feel, and soon you’ll be stronger than ever before.
