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A year later still a bit confused

by Anonymous

April 23, 2021

Two abortions later I wish I had trusted my inner voice.

My first pregnancy at the age of 26 was a mistake. I had been dating a guy who was eight years older that me for a couple of months. I was madly in love with him even though he didn’t want to make our relationship official and smoked way too much weed. I was waiting for my period to start so I could start to take the contraceptive pill. Meanwhile we were using pullout method. I blame myself and him for being so stupid. To our bad luck and stupidity of using pull-out method, my period never started and I found out I was pregnant. I knew right away abortion was what I wanted. Luckily I was so early that in the ultrasound they couldn’t find the embryo yet, just an empty sack. I had a medical abortion and it didn’t leave me with any regrets or guilt.   

Fast forward twelve years later. I had been together with my absolutely amazing boyfriend for about half a year. He started to talk about wanting a child with me. First I was a bit anxious about the idea, because I never had a strong desire to have own children. But as the months went by and I was almost 38 years old, I somehow got open to the idea.

We stopped to use contraception and four months later I found myself pregnant. I tried to feel happy, but my feelings varied from panic to depression, from sadness to disbelief. I didn’t feel myself at all. I was terrified by the fact that something was growing inside me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. At nights I prayed for miscarriage. That sounds awful, but that is how desperate I was. I had a strong fear of someone inheriting my mental health problems. I have suffered from OCD, panic disorder and general anxiety from a very young age. In my early 30’s I was also diagnosed with depression and I’ve been using antidepressants from an age of 20.

I thought I just can’t have another abortion. After all this pregnancy was planned. We didn’t track my fertile days and considering my high age, I was so surprised I had gotten pregnant so quickly. When I was crying on our couch one evening, my boyfriend said to me: “You know we still have time to terminate this pregnancy. You are the light of my life and you are more important than anything.” I was a bit surprised considering he was the one who initially wanted to have a child.

I had an appointment with my lovely ob/gyn whom I’ve known for more than a decade. She did an transvaginal ultrasound and measured I’m 8+0/8+1 weeks. It was a bit of a disappointed, as I thought I would be only around 7 weeks. Luckily I still had an opportunity to have a medical abortion. I’ve never been in a surgery and never under anesthesia.

I couldn’t imagine what an emotional rollercoaster this second abortion would put me. When I took the pills I was so sure this is the right decision. My dear boyfriend has been so supportive and thinks 100 % that we made the right decision terminating the pregnancy. I have been feeling immense guilt, anxiety, depression and even had suicidal thoughts. My intrusive thoughts have been really hard to handle, as I never will know was the embryo a girl or a boy and how our life would be with a child. I can tell you OCD is really a pain in the ass. I had to go to talk to a psychiatrist about upping my dose of antidepressants and she also prescribed a sedative. I also went to talk to a really nice psychologist multiple times which helped me a lot.

It’s been almost exactly a year since my second abortion. I’m still in the process of healing. Some days are good, but others are still really hard. I’m determined to recover and feel happy again. As I mentioned in the beginning of my story, I wish I had trusted my inner voice. My inner voice told me that I might not survive a pregnancy and could not raise a healthy child, because of my mental health problems. But somehow I got myself excited about the idea of a child as my boyfriend was so willing to try. Maybe I somehow wanted to be and feel like a normal (whatever that means) partner.

When time passes I actively try to forgive myself and love myself more. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a job that I like, a nice little apartment and an amazing and supportive boyfriend, a big group of friends and a sister to whom I can talk about everything. I send a lot of hugs and love to people who need to have an abortion/s. I am so thankful for pages like Shout your Abortion. I hope sharing my story helps someone who has been in same situation. 

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