I began my story when I was 21y, I had just had my birthday and was preparing to go on a trip to Amsterdam with my bf, when I started to feel like something was wrong, I was feeling super depressed and really tired, plus my period was late. I thought that it was a chance that I might be pregnant but didn’t want to believe it, I was on the pill so I shove it out of my mind.

In the trip I was still really sad and tired, witch isn’t normal for me so when I return home, I took a pregnancy test with my bf and it came back positive, I didn’t want to believe it, my relationship had a few months and now I was pregnant. My instant thought was abortion and I had a problem, because I didn’t know how far along I was, and in my country they only let you have an abortion till 10 weeks, so the following weeks were just stress, found out that I was 8 weeks and 4 days so I could only have a procedure abortion, I couldn’t do the pill bc by law it was too risky.

I was so confused that I started to think that maybe I should have the baby, my bf was super supportive and he would back me up in whatever decision I made. Finally I took my decision and went to the abortion clinic to do the procedure. I was shocked with the amount of people that were in there to have abortions, I was always pro-choice but I never understood what it really meant till that day. Abortion is free in my country but there’s a stigma still as unfortunately in other places. I went to the room and they put the anestesia, woke up 10min later I was done, I felt relieved and sad at the same time. I think my brain erase some memories from that time because of the trauma, all I remember was that I got home and slept, don’t remember much the following weeks after.

Fast forwarding a few months I learn that my bf was a dad of a boy, he had been with a girl before we started dating. I knew there was a chance he could be a dad when I did the abortion but didn’t want that to have influence in my decision. He told me early on when we first started dating that he had been with this girl a few times and she was pregnant, but she had been with other boys, so she didn’t know who the father of the baby was, so I kinda hoped that it wouldn’t be him. This story has a lot of twists and turns but I’ll cut it short. When we had the certainty that he was the father I was devastated and he wasn’t happy at all to put in mildly. The following months I was a wreck, I kept thinking that I did the abortion, because I still wanted to do so many things with my life that didn’t involve a child, and now I would have to be involved in a child’s life if I wanted to stay with my bf, plus my dad was dying in the hospital so emotionally I was struggling so much, lost all this weight, no one could understand what I was going thru. My dad died a few weeks after and I started to think that the kid wasn’t all that important.

A few weeks after my dad died I notice that my period was late, I also noticed that I had missed a few days of the pill, this time I wasn’t letting the time go by so I bought a pregnancy test in the same day, the same hour! I took it and it was positive, I took a moment and called my bf to tell him. It was funny (if you can call it that) because all this months, I was suffering because had to deal and see the child that my boyfriend had with another girl, and not regretting my abortion but asking constantly to the universe why was I having to deal with this, and the moment that it was another chance that I could have a child with my him, I felt terrified. I told my mom like I had told her about the other one, she asked me if this time did I want to carry the pregnancy full term, she would help me raise the baby. I thought that I was so blessed, to have a mom who was so supportive but this wasn’t what I would have wanted for my life, specially in the months before, I saw what having a kid so young was like. I saw both the struggle of my bf and the mother of his child. This was not the life that I wanted it.

I took my decision again and did the paperwork necessary. I was 5 weeks and this time felt very different from the other one in terms of people judging you, medical people! My doctor was on maternity leave the other time but this time she was working and didn’t spare any judgement. She told me that I wouldn’t be able to have kids one day, she told me that she was rulling against abortion next time it would go to the assembly, she told me that she wasn’t working and paying taxes to pay other people abortions, told me that after the first abortion everyone should pay, no exceptions and she mentioned a ridiculous number. I remember very vividly feeling extreme anxiety and asking for some kind of medication, the response from her was that she wasn’t going to give me anything, afraid that I would changed my mind and the medication would hurt the “baby”. I was shocked by the lack of consideration to me, a person, an actual human being. Instead she was choosing this potential life, a clump of cells had more rights than a fully person in front of her! Netherless to say that I walked out of that hospital room a emotional mess.

I know that now I would have taken a different route and reported her but I was feeling really vulnerable. I talked with my therapist after and she told me to report it even if it would be months later and that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t think people understand how dangerous is having people with this mentality in places and jobs like this. This would be enough to hurt myself if I had a minor self-worth. After this unpleasant encounter I had a few more with other doctors, but also good ones with physicians that were empathetic and did the right thing. Talked to a few friends of mine that had done 2 or more abortions and they said that these type of reactions were common unfortunately. I continually had extreme anxiety till the procedure day so I took a few of my mom’s anxiety killers, I couldn’t care less about what that ignorant doctor had said. This was my life, mine! I felt that they delayed the most that they could, by the time it was time I was 9 weeks and I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in my country.

This time I was less anxious probably because I knew what was coming. I felt the girls next to me really anxious and felt more relaxed this time, I got in, they put me to sleep and 10min later I woke up and started to get dressed, I notice that the people around me were sorta lost and I just knew what had to do, got dressed, got the cookie and the juice that they gave you, answered the questions if I’m ok to walk and got out. I immediately had a sense of relief that run my body, I felt empowered! This time I wasn’t even sad I knew that I didn’t want that life. I got home, slept and the next few weeks I notice that I wasn’t mad anymore about my bf having a kid with somebody. In the space of 2 years life had shown me that there’s more important things out here. I had always been the type of person who would judge someone if they had kids really early, and never would have been caught with a person who had kids with someone else. Now I was in this situation, felt like these things that had happened to me were for a reason, and I’m a much more humble and grateful person now. I’m glad that these events happen but what I’m not glad or happy about is the discrimination of doctors, who should set the example and not judge someone who can’t bring a child into this world and give them the best life possible. I will fight for abortion rights all my life, because one day neither others or my kids have to go thru what I went thru and many people still go thru.