There are different ways women can live rich and meaningful lives. It does not have to include children, unless you want to.
I am 43 years old with a loving partner, stable job, an apartment. I never was that interested in becoming a parent and wanted something different than the conventional path for my life. As a couple, we made the decision not to have children. And then I got pregnant about nine months ago.
I was late. We were on a trip abroad, and I did a pregnancy test to confirm it. If I would have been home, I would have gotten an abortion sooner. Being abroad, I had an extra 2.5 weeks of time to think and rethink my decision before coming home to Canada. On top of it, I was feeling nauseous everyday and my breasts were sensitive. I had numerous conversations with my partner, and lots of thinking on my own, and support from my sister and some friends. I almost thought of staying pregnant. Saying no to this can feel like it requires more of an explanation than just “I don’t want to”, yet its more than enough of a reason. I took the decision not to stay pregnant, even though on paper we were in a good place to have a child, because I did not want to change my life that way, because I did not want to be a parent. It was one of those life surprises that I did not want to just go with.
I was a good candidate for a medical abortion. I first met a cold/horrible woman doctor who did a google search of clinics in the city and just told me to go to one of them. Then I spoke with another local doctor (a man) who was perfect; he confirmed I was a good candidate, gave me information, was kind, etc. The female pharmacist was equally nice when I picked up the medication. Taking the medication was not as bad as I thought. When I took the Misoprostol, I had intense cramping for about 1hr-1h30. It would come in rapid waves and I would just focus on my breathing and finding a comfortable position. That was the hardest part. Then some small cramps, 1 go of diarrhea, and chills. I did not bleed a lot, passing some tissues on three occasions. Then I had to do two sets of blood tests spread over three days to confirm that I was no longer pregnant.
The aftermath was really difficult for me. I did not expect it and it was super unsettling. On top of the impact of the hormones, I experienced a lot of shame and self judgment, initially these thoughts being almost unconscious and I would just be so sad. After a few months, I found a therapist who helped me identify how I was judging myself despite making the right decision for me, process the whole experience and make peace with this event in my life.
It took nine months to come to peace, and feel pride for the courageous decision I took. Now is right around the time I would have been giving birth, and I really have to think hard to imagine that I would be happy and looking forward to motherhood should I have made a different decision. I read lots of books about women who decide not to have children, how society can be such a powerful influences on the choices women make with their lives. It felt validating and normalized where I stand. There are different ways women can live rich and meaningful lives. It does not have to include children, unless you want to. If you are reading this, big virtual hug to you!
