A Pivotal Decision

by M

September 11, 2021

I had an abortion when my daughter was 2 years old. I had been married to her father for about 3 years by then. He was abusive, mostly verbally, psychologically, and emotionally. I probably knew it when I married him, but I wanted to be married, I loved him, and I loved his family. His behavior was always there but seemed to get worse once we were married. At first, it was silent treatments, threats to divorce me, and mood changes.

Soon after I had given birth to my daughter, he wanted to have sex again. I wasn’t ready. My stitches from the episiotomy were still in; I was afraid it would hurt. Plus, I was exhausted and preoccupied with my baby girl, who had become my reason for living. My husband began to get more and more angry when I wouldn’t give in to his need for sex. He called me names, made jokes about my vagina and my frigidity. He was a dick, basically. We fought often. He would become angry with me for strange and unfounded reasons. I fell out of love with him. But I would sometimes give into his need for sex. One time, he didn’t use a condom. He pulled out. I became pregnant. By that time, I knew I needed to leave him. I hated him but tried to make it work. I told him I wanted an abortion. It was not a difficult decision for me to make. He said he wanted another baby but I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have the means to leave him. More importantly, I didn’t want my daughter to grow up in the environment that had become our household. I needed to get out. So I called my ob/gyn office. I told her what I needed but she had stopped performing abortions because of threats to her life from “pro life” terrorists. I found a place that still did them. (By the way, I lived in an extremely wealthy and liberal state). My husband took me to get it. About three weeks later, I fell into a deep depression because I had been preparing to leave him but felt tremendous guilt and concern for how it would affect my daughter. I eventually separated and divorced him. Today I know that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My daughter is now 22 and and a staunch pro choice advocate. She knows my story. I am not ashamed of it.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!