In 2015, when I was a 38 year old, mother of three, I had an abortion. My kids were 15, 13 and 10 at the time. We never planned on having a fourth child. I had really been struggling with mental illness for the last few years. I was taking a lot of medications. Our youngest child has autism and needs a lot of extra attention. We were shocked to have a totally unexpected pregnancy at our age. I made an appointment with an obgyn right away. My psychiatrist told me to stop taking all my meds and to only take Benadryl. I did. We met with the obgyn and she gave us the first picture of “our little peanut”, as she’d describe it. I asked to hear the heartbeat, like I had with our other children. She said it is not proven safe for the baby at this stage. She asked if we wanted to do DNA testing. All I knew is that our son with special needs had already had genetic testing and everything was fine with his. We said yes to the testing, just wanting the best for our baby and didn’t think much of it.

I went home and struggled with morning sickness. It was particularly hot that summer. I cleaned my closet, laid a camping mattress down and tried to sleep. It was the quietest, darkest place in our house. I was so excited for the gender to be revealed through the blood testing. All this testing had come such a long way in ten years and it was all very exciting for me. For the next few weeks, I was hot, tired and miserable. None of my family seemed eager to help me with the household chores. I knew I could handle a lot, but was I really up for this challenge? I had so much more energy in my twenties than I did at almost forty. One morning changed everything. My genetic results were in and ready to read online. I never imagined anything could be wrong. That is when I saw the words FRAGILE X. I panicked. I couldn’t get a hold of my obgyn. I read absolutely everything there is on the internet about Fragile X. I talked with family and my friends who are doctors. I stayed awake for over 24 hours.

I didn’t realize it, but I was struggling being off my meds and trying to handle all of this. I decided to schedule an abortion. I thought it through a lot and thought it would be best to rip it off quickly like a band aid. I had the abortion at a clinic the next day. The did an ultrasound, gave me some medication and it was done under sedation. I remember I had only one question for the doctor and they pushed the sedation in before I could even ask. I woke up, dressed, in a recliner and was quickly ushered to the restroom to self check my bleeding. It was fine. Everything seemed fine and I went home. I remember making my husband call and ask if I’d gotten the RH injection because I couldn’t find a band aid anywhere. They said they had. What followed were the worst two years of my life. I was a complete mental wreck. I had so many mixed emotions about the abortion. My son, with Autism, struggles greatly. We get no help from family or anyone else. He did years of ABA therapy. We are only ever nice, caring, patient and kind to him. I don’t know if I believe if good parents always equal a good child. I worry about him every single day. I am continually exhausted. I now know I did the right thing having that abortion. I’ve since had an ablation and my tubes tied. I have never felt more at peace.