As much as I long to be a mother, having a family with a loving supportive partner is my vision.
I will never forget the deep pit in my stomach as soon as I saw that plus sign. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This couldn’t be happening. What kind of alternate reality did I fall into?!
For the longest time I have known I wanted children and a family. That is something incredibly important to me. I have dreamed of the day when I am married and get to tell my partner with excitement “we are pregnant!”
It was not supposed to happen this way. My period was a week late. My cycle is usually super regular so this did strike me as odd, but I was having an INCREDIBLY stressful week. My boobs were sore, I was feeling emotional, and I even spotted. I thought surely my period was coming, stress was just delaying it. I decided to take the test just to show myself there was nothing to worry about. All of a sudden my world was turned upside down.
This was not the right time. This is not the right order. I don’t even know if I am with the right person. I am not supposed to be pregnant. I felt like I was in some sort of twisted nightmare. This is not a decision I ever thought I would be making.
I was able to make my appointment a week from when I found out. That whole week I felt like I was living some sort of crazy double life. No one knows I’m pregnant. No one knows I am facing the most difficult decision I’ve been had to make. Whenever I was alone I would find my hand drawn to my stomach and I would start to cry. “I am so sorry little one. Now is not your time. I love you so much.” It blew my mind how I could feel such a strong connection with the little group of cells dividing and growing inside me. Without even knowing my baby I loved it so much. Who would this child be? What would they have become? No matter what I chose, my life has been forever impacted.
In my heart I know I made the right choice. As much as I long to be a mother, having a family with a loving supportive partner is my vision. I have my own goals and dreams to accomplish. I still have my own life left to live so when it is my time to be a mother, I can be the best mother I can be. I have one more angel looking over me. I know one day we will meet.
To anyone going through this process, know you are not alone. I have utilized a call and a text hotline and spoken to wonderful, supportive, nonjudgmental people. There are workbooks and books out there that have helped me tremendously too. There are moments I break down and cry. Grieving the loss of my baby, of my life before going through this process. There are moments where I look at everything and see the great lessons in life I am learning, how strong and courageous I am, how now I have a life experience that can help me connect with someone going through this experience and let them know they are not alone.
