A decision I never thought I would have to make

by Samantha

March 16, 2021

I will never forget the deep pit in my stomach as soon as I saw that plus sign. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This couldn’t be happening. What kind of alternate reality did I fall into?!

For the longest time I have known I wanted children and a family. That is something incredibly important to me. I have dreamed of the day when I am married and get to tell my partner with excitement “we are pregnant!”

It was not supposed to happen this way. My period was a week late. My cycle is usually super regular so this did strike me as odd, but I was having an INCREDIBLY stressful week. My boobs were sore, I was feeling emotional, and I even spotted. I thought surely my period was coming, stress was just delaying it. I decided to take the test just to show myself there was nothing to worry about. All of a sudden my world was turned upside down.

This was not the right time. This is not the right order. I don’t even know if I am with the right person. I am not supposed to be pregnant. I felt like I was in some sort of twisted nightmare. This is not a decision I ever thought I would be making.

I was able to make my appointment a week from when I found out. That whole week I felt like I was living some sort of crazy double life. No one knows I’m pregnant. No one knows I am facing the most difficult decision I’ve been had to make. Whenever I was alone I would find my hand drawn to my stomach and I would start to cry. “I am so sorry little one. Now is not your time. I love you so much.” It blew my mind how I could feel such a strong connection with the little group of cells dividing and growing inside me. Without even knowing my baby I loved it so much. Who would this child be? What would they have become? No matter what I chose, my life has been forever impacted.

In my heart I know I made the right choice. As much as I long to be a mother, having a family with a loving supportive partner is my vision. I have my own goals and dreams to accomplish. I still have my own life left to live so when it is my time to be a mother, I can be the best mother I can be. I have one more angel looking over me. I know one day we will meet.

To anyone going through this process, know you are not alone. I have utilized a call and a text hotline and spoken to wonderful, supportive, nonjudgmental people. There are workbooks and books out there that have helped me tremendously too. There are moments I break down and cry. Grieving the loss of my baby, of my life before going through this process. There are moments where I look at everything and see the great lessons in life I am learning, how strong and courageous I am, how now I have a life experience that can help me connect with someone going through this experience and let them know they are not alone.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!