9 months postpartum and our second unplanned pregnancy

by Anonymous

April 21, 2022

I gave birth to the cutest chunky little boy nine months ago. He is the light of my life, everything I could’ve imagined, my absolute dream baby. My husband and I didn’t plan for him but we also talked about having kids, so when we found out we were pregnant, we decided we’re going to make it work! Neither of us had stable jobs at the time, so I went back to my nonprofit job and he found under-the-table jobs. My husband is an immigrant and is working on stabilizing himself here. He is currently unemployed and studying, trying to get into school. I work full time. I am the only one making an income. I make the desired six figure salary but the inflation no longer makes it the dream I’ve always had to make ‘six figures’. I should mention, I’ve never wanted to work, I always joke around how I would love to be a pilates hot housewife but my job is great, remote with all the amazing benefits.

So where is the issue you ask? My marriage is lacking, and I’m not seeing the motivation from my partner that I thought he would get once our son was born. I sometimes doubt if we’ll really make it, I have so many expectations of him and promises that’s he’s made that I’m still not seeing into fruition. We have a great life and there is never any lack of food in the fridge. but our lives have been more stressful and there is constant argument of who’s done what around the house and with our son. So when I found out I’m pregnant there was no ounce of me that wanted to have this pregnancy. I was five weeks and six days. I found out on Friday and went to the clinic Tuesday. I spoke with my husband and he also wanted nothing to do with pregnancy but said he would respect my decision no matter what. He definitely mentioned the projects that we had planned for ourselves, and our son would be very difficult with two. As he would be in school while we would have 2 kids under 2. I also don’t feel our relationship was strong enough to go through with two kids and my husband in med school. I had the worst weekend going back n forth. Thinking about my son, if he ever knew, that he would’ve had a sibling so close in age. What if it was possibly his best friend? What if it was the little girl of my dreams? I want to have more kids but I just really want to have them on my time. And this time I wasn’t ready to put my body, marriage, and didn’t have the finances. I’m not getting any financial support from my partner and it’s ruining our relationship. I know it’s temporary, once he’s done with school he will be the main provider. I just knew that my state of mind would not be ok and I was not strong enough. I feel so guilty even writing this down. I know if I cannot get pregnant later down the road, I will forever blame myself. I’ve always been pro-choice. but I never thought I would be the one doing it…especially not married and with a kid. Probably one of the hardest days of my life.

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