i.
i can remember looking down at the pregnancy tests
amused and surprised
why is my life so dramatic?
i had broken up with my boyfriend a day before
we had been together only two months
i was relieved about us ending
but depressed about how exhausting love, and life, was
standing naked in the mirror, i laughed at the absurdity
motherhood??? now?? working this stupid job?
i thought about my own mother at 24
already changing diapers and making bottles
and my sister already doing daycare drop-offs
and saying “hear what this lil girl just said to me”
both with men that they don’t speak to now.
me? i was chain smoking through work
deadlines and
trying to navigate life on a different continent.
on tuesdays, i drank free at the local bar.
i looked around my sanctuary,
a tiny apartment just the right size for only me
where i was just starting to unpack the weight of my childhood and
figure out what kind of woman i wanted to be.
not those women
ii.
Subj: It’s kind of urgent, so can you please reply at your earliest convenience
I feel really awkward writing this in an email. But I know that it is what is best for you right now. And I want to be really respectful of your space. You are definitely not obligated to help if you think it is too much for you. I just didn’t know who else to turn to, my support system is not like it was last year. I took a pregnancy test last night that was positive. I will set an appt. with doctor to become un-pregnant and I’m coming to you about this because I’ve been doing research and it says that I should have someone there with me. I was really conflicted whether I should ask you. I didn’t want you to think this was some kind of hoax or sneaky way of getting back together. I truly want both of us to move on in our lives. It’s just that you are the only person close by that I trust with this information and can speak some Chinese. I want to be clear that I am not looking for financial support. I just need someone to go to the hospital with me and watch me for a day or two after the procedure. I will stop here for now. If you can do it, I will make further plans and hopefully we can talk about them. If you cannot, I am sincerely sorry to have disturbed you. Either way, as this is a bit time sensitive, can you let me know as soon as possible?
iii.
after all the research
and that email to my ex
and talking to the doctors through translation apps
and that nurse who called the fetus waiguo pengyou
and an email from my job saying i was fired
and a new aversion to the scent of onions
and the time calculations
and the shame spiral and the loneliness
and the holding it in
it was time.
i felt like a pioneer
like i was at a turning point
like i was making a tough choice
but a great one
like i had the power to determine my life
even though it sometimes felt like a tornado
before my abortion the only person i heard talk
about what it was all like
was ben folds in the song brick
he was my only reference for years
7 years later, i have spoken to only 2 people about abortion experiences
i’m writing shouting today because my
abortion was so many things
but it was not something i will ever regret
because
i’m so angry that six cowards won’t uphold the people’s right
to make their own bodily decisions because
i had a perfectly safe, affordable, legal surgical abortion
which is impossible in the so-called free world
because
this is another turning point for me: to act to support to aid to abet
