Nothing hurt more than having an abortion. It changed my life. A before and after. A line. I actually had two abortions-one before Dobbs, and one after.
In August 2021, we terminated our much-wanted daughter at 27 weeks after a diagnosis incompatible with life. It was horrific in so many ways, but I hold a huge space of gratitude for my doctor, and the staff at the hospital where I had my abortion. I was told I was a good mother. I was held while I wept, while I turned to stone. I wanted to die, too. I asked my husband to kill me every day for months on end. I dreamt about ending my life for months on end. I quit my dream job. I was physically alive, but my mind was gone.
I had my second miscarriage the week my dad died, 6 months later. I couldn’t imagine trying again, yet later that year I was pregnant again. My first thought was to keep it, to try one last time. But I knew I wouldn’t live through another loss – I knew I would end my own life. I hadn’t even grieved my child when my dad, my best friend, passed away.
I made the choice with my husband to have another abortion in November of 2022. It was post-Dobbs then, and I was terrified of protesters. Instead, it was a safe, respectful, normal appointment with my husband holding my hand. Everyone was validating and loving, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I’ll never be sure if that was the right choice. But that’s life. I knew that, if I had to pick between me and the baby, that I wanted to live. I will never stop being thankful for having that choice.
