I didn’t expect to feel an immense sense of relief as soon as it happened. It was almost like a sense of elation. I had taken back control. The grief hit a couple hours later, as the physical pain of cramping subsided. It’s been 5 months now and the deep ache of grief, longing, and love hit me out of nowhere.

It hits whenever I have further confirmation that I made the right decision. It hits when the man I love, my baby’s father, puts his work, pets, and family before me. When I realize he doesn’t stick to his word. When I realize parenthood at his side would have been a lonely journey indeed. When I realize he is not ready and may never be ready to create a healthy family and protect them from a chaotic environment. It hits when I realize my voice doesn’t matter. He will always do what he wants when he wants.

It hits whenever I remember that he once said he would kill me if I ever cheated, and then help my family search for my body. It hit the moment he told me if I ever tried to leave him he would disappear with our child, never to be seen again. It hit when it happened and I saw my embryo hit the toilet. I told him I “miscarried” and begged him to stay with me for the night. He didn’t. I realized then how little I mattered. I was left alone, completely shattered and broken.

I should’ve known it would be this way. I actually miscarried 3 years prior, and he was not there for me. I called to tell him I was heading to the hospital and asked him to come. He didn’t. I went to the hospital by myself, completely dissociated, and watched as the doctor told me I lost my baby from above. My grief and pain didn’t matter then. What hurt even more (and was salt to my wounds) was later watching him spend multiple nights in the hospital with his daughter (previous marriage) & granddaughter. THEY were important. I was not.

I realized that I much as I want to be a mother, I don’t want it this way. I could not knowingly bring a child into the world in these conditions. I’m old enough to know that a baby and marriage won’t fix things. They only complicate and tie you down.

I don’t regret my abortion but I regret the actions and inactions that led me to have to make this decision. I am heartbroken at not being able to enjoy pregnancy and hold my baby in my arms. I will never know who they could’ve been. I just know that they came and changed my perspective, and gave me clarity about the life I want and the love I deserve.

My abortion is the first, worst, best, and hardest parenting decision I ever made.