4th pregnancy

by H

February 9, 2021

I wanted to want it and knew I couldn't

I was 29 years old. I’d already had three kids by the time I was 25. I had just left my ex husband and was just starting to date a new guy. It all fell apart when the two pink lines appeared – Dec 6th. I confirmed at the doctors.  I shared it with the dad and he fell apart. Said that’s the end of his life. It’s all over. I knew I’d be doing this as a single mother. With 4 children. I had a good job, a nice simple home and a supportive loving family (mainly my dad as my mom had passed away).  I knew as a team I could do this if I reached out to resources and kept myself focused. Then the real bomb happened. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack – Dec 21st. Now I had lost my house. My house had been owned by my dad and had to sold off to cover debts. I had to find a small apartment for my three kids and myself. It suddenly became apparent I couldn’t do another child. I reached out to my local hospital (dec 30th) and the appointment was booked for Jan 4th. I terminated just before my 10 week point. It was horrible. Yet so fast. I felt empty and so full of shame. I also was so over ridden with grief. I sometimes wonder how I survived and really know I can do tough things.

Now fast forward 3 months later and I meet an amazing man. He is fixed! He is kind, patient and loving and to boot a widower. There is nothing wrong with this man. The reason I tell you about this is when he was 17 he got his girlfriend pregnant and she aborted the baby. My man took his girlfriend for the appointment and then never spoke to her again. He had been filled with regret and shame since – he’d been a boy. And now was able to make a bit of an amends through me. My boyfriend who had gotten me pregnant had left too. Zero emotional support. My new man sat with me and let me cry in his arms over the shame and then guilt. And it gradually lessened. We called the baby Daisy and would bring her flowers at this beautiful statue of an angel holding a baby. It helped me to see that there is a reason for things if only to have allowed me to end that previous relationship and meet the man I am now married to and have a farm of our own in the country with those three beautiful kids he loves as his own.

Thank you for letting me share. I also wanted to say that some days I get moments I regret it. I get moments where I wonder how old she would be. I just sometimes wish I could have been brave enough to birth another child.

I made my choice. I had a choice. I had access.

I am so grateful.

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