I NEVER thought I would have an abortion.
I’m 38.
I have 3 kids.
I split from my ex last year and it was the best decision I could have made for myself and most of all my children.
They deserve the best.
The best of me and the best life can give them. That meant ensuring their dad couldn’t hurt them. I got a protection order without notice. No contact. Until they are 16. It was a hard process. He would be pissed. He would want to hurt me. He ended up moving on rather quickly to a new lady. I was grateful as he didn’t contest the order. He stopped paying child support. And no doubt he is still on drugs. Which is the reason why I got the order in the first place.
I met someone at the end of last year. He was nice. It was nice to have someone to talk to and hang out with. It was too soon. I hadn’t healed. I should’ve listened to my gut feeling.
I ended up getting pregnant.
I knew after my 3rd child I didn’t want anymore children. I was too old. I had a career to focus on. I was the sole provider for my children now their dad wasn’t in their lives. They had no one else. I was still healing from my break up and so were my children. The main reason I was done having children was because I suffer from Hypermesis Gravidarum. I had it for all 3 of my pregnancies. It was debilitating. Especially the second and third when I had other children to care for and a useless good for nothing partner. I couldn’t eat, barely could drink. Nausea 24/7 up until at least 30 weeks. Day and night. Night and day. I couldn’t do it again. How could I financially, emotionally and physically support my children if I was pregnant and so ill? And then with a newborn?
I wouldn’t be able to.
Red flags started going up about the new partner. He made everything about him. He didn’t support me through the sickness. He left me to decide what to do but offered no solutions or even a shoulder to cry on. He didn’t want to know. I was alone.
We split up.
I told him I would go to the final appointment with a friend. He said he was only going with me to make sure “I did it” because he didn’t want a “knock on my door in 20 years”. This from a man who has 4 other children. Though one of the red flags raised was that he has custody of none and pays no child support.
I couldn’t have this baby.
It was the hardest decision of my life. Brought up in a Christian family made it even harder. I didn’t tell any of my family. They wouldn’t disown me but they would be very sad. I was always pro-life FOR ME. And pro-choice for everyone else. I NEVER thought I would have an abortion. Until I was I the situation I was in this year.
8 weeks 5 days.
That’s how far along I was when I had my abortion. I suffered with HG for almost 5 weeks. Getting a scan, bloods, getting prescriptions for anti-nausea pills. 16 a day. Every day just to take the edge off so I could go to work. So I could provide for my family. I was suffering. I lost weight. I was holding on by a thread. Physically and emotionally. A zombie. Not a mother.
9th March
The day of my appointment. Hardest day of my life. I was grateful for my friend who came with me. Tears streaming down my face as I took the misoprostol. The last doctor said “Are you sure of your decision” Yes. The nurse asked again as she handed me the pills. Yes. I knew as soon as I took them there was no going back. I cried. About 40 minutes later I went for the procedure. It was quick. But I was cold. Shaking. And crying. Not because I regretted my decision but because it was a sad day. It wasn’t what I wanted to do in my life but it was the best decision I could make at the time for my family and for me. I wasn’t whole. Just a shell.
We bought a plant afterwards.
And I spent the night at my friends house. The nausea slowly dissipated. I could eat again. I felt like me again. I had energy. In the morning no nausea. I didn’t feel like a useless zombie. I could make breakfast for the kids. Make their lunches. Do the school run and not feel sick 24/7. It was liberating. I brought the remains home with me. And I buried them under the plant. The last act of love. It wasn’t easy. But I had made the decision and this was part of what came next.
I will never forget.
But I have no regrets.
Sadness of course, and probably for the rest of my life.
I am at peace.
You are loved. Don’t be afraid. Your decision is yours. Everything will be ok in the end.
