38 and married

by Anonymous

March 29, 2021

Content Warning: suicidal thoughts

I just want to share my story.

We didn’t decide we would have children until our late 30s, and at that point we said “one and done”. I had an incredibly difficult time with breastfeeding (not enough breast tissue to make even close to enough milk) which sent me into a deep dark place. I would often think that my daughter and husband would be better off without me. I wasn’t honest with my OB or her pediatrician about any of this because I couldn’t deal with needing to “fix or deal” with something else wrong with myself, so I suffered in silence. I didn’t start therapy until just after her 1st birthday. We got pregnant when she was 14 months. We tried so hard to get pregnant with her (tracking ovulation, special lube and I was on clomid). I didn’t go back on birth control after she was born, I tracked my cycle (it was like clockwork), we rarely had sex anyway! I must have ovulated incredibly early that cycle. It was devastating. I was just starting to feel  better about my life and coming out of the fog I had been living in. Thinking I would have to subject myself (and family) to the trauma of my breasts not working and my body failing me again was incredibly triggering. I literally could not follow through with this baby and that destroyed me. I had to choose to take care of myself and what we already had.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!