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32 and married, my story

by Liz

February 23, 2019

I’m 32 and have been with my husband for almost 13 years, married for 4. We wanted kids. 3 years ago I was told I was infertile. I had a massive meltdown at first but then I started to question everything and realised that maybe that “meet man, get married, have two kids” voice in my head wasn’t what I actually wanted but rather what I’d been programmed into expecting my life to be. After a lot of talk with my husband we both came to the conclusion that we aren’t sure we actually want kids. I told my friends and family but everyone just brushed it off and said “you’ll change your mind when it happens”.

Fast forward 3 years and it turns out the doctor was wrong. We have been using contraception but apparently not well enough. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 7 weeks. I had my period and it was a normal one too – not especially light. Around week 5 I got sick. I contracted a virus, misdiagnosed as strep throat and was on antibiotics and popping painkillers for a week. I felt absolutely shit. I lost 2kg in 2 weeks, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink coffee (the smell made me sick). I saw my doctor when I wasn’t getting better and it turns out I had the coxsackie virus. Spots and all. Then I caught flu. I made a joke about “at least I’m not pregnant”. stupid.

I was suddenly paranoid and did a test at home, every single one said pregnant. Blood test the next day confirmed – 7 – 9 weeks. I felt awful – was still unable to eat and i couldn’t stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time, my brain was soup and i was so nauseas 24/7. My husband and I spent a week talking to each other, my doctor, a therapist (couples counselling was my non-negotiable for terminating) and we both made the decision together. I don’t want to be a parent.

Unfortunately, everyone got really excited (I told my mom and she was on speakerphone so my whole family knows). Our decision broke them. It hasn’t been easy getting over this but my therapist pointed out that keeping a baby to make other people happy is a terrible reason. Most people were incredibly supportive, my doctor was worried about the medication and the virus. My husband and I might change our minds in a few years but I’d want to do it properly, know that I was trying and take the right supplements (not take 2 ibuprofins a day). Being married and stable has made this harder because people have expectations of us, regardless of what we want.

My appointment was easy and fast. The clinic was recommended by my doctor but it still felt hidden and like I was doing something shameful. They gave me some painkillers and a calming pill, we sat with the doctor and discussed options and our decision – both me and my husband. She was really nice. They confirmed my pregnancy beforehand, I didn’t want to see the ultrasound so I looked away. The procedure took 15 minutes, it was really uncomfortable. It was local anesthetic and I felt some tugging but mostly it was like really bad period pain mixed with a horrible pap smear. Over quickly, I walked to the recovery room where I was told to let them know when I stopped cramping. That took maybe 20 minutes. But I felt instantly better, it was probably in my head but I felt pregnant before, then I didn’t. My husband drove me home about an hour after my termination. I took the antibiotics they gave me and spent the rest of the day watching tv and doing some work. It felt like I had my brain back.

The nausea stopped the next day, my boobs felt better after about 5 days. I’m still spotting (day 10) but the bleeding has been minimal. I had a day of bad period pain but nothing too bad. My follow up is on Friday and honestly I’m excited to get it over with so I can just go on with life now.

Emotionally I’m okay. My doctor said I would feel derailed, I don’t. I’ve had some other stuff going on that has made me cry and I’ve spent a lot of time talking to my husband. I haven’t really told many people because as it turns out – people are pro-choice until there actually is a choice. So the feeling like I did something wrong and not being able to tell people when they ask how I am part is pretty shit but I am not at a point in my life where I want a baby. My job is important to me and last year was the first year where I felt like I finally figured out what I am doing with my life and who I am. Sounds corny but I am enjoying the journey I am on.

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