23 and feeling guilty for not being ready

by X

July 23, 2020

I had an abortion not too long ago. I was feeling really sad about it afterwards and stumbled on this site, all your stories made me feel less selfish and more understood. I’d like to tell my story in hopes that it connects some.

I am 23 years old. I was on the pill, but I sometimes would forget to take a day or two every month. I knew this was reckless but I always believed in doubling up the next day and you’d be fine. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years, we live together, have dogs and cats together, we pay our own bills, and we have family close by. Ideally, you would think we would be happy, excited to add a bundle of joy to our little family. However, we were terrified, neither of us felt ready to have a child. I’m 23, still in school, finally getting out of debts, and starting a new job. Suddenly I see my future flash before my eyes, and I can’t say I liked it. I always imagined myself being that hard working successful woman, someone who is determined to get anywhere with nothing in her way. And suddenly I’m questioning if I want to put all that on hold… But as much as I want children in the future, I didn’t feel ready to halt my life’s course to have a baby in this exact moment, (global pandemic and all.)

So I drove to Planned Parenthood, and was given the abortion pill. Before taking the pill, they walk you through some paperwork and do a mandatory ultrasound, they told me I didn’t have to look, so I didn’t. However the nurse still proceeded to tell me that I was 7 weeks along. In my mind I had thought maybe I was 3 or 4 weeks. But when she said 7 weeks along, that’s almost 2 months, I was lowkey freaking out inside. I suddenly felt a giant wave of guilt, shame, and anxiety hit me. I never wanted to be in this situation. Nobody does. You start to question your morals, your religion, what your family would think of you right now. But I stopped and reminded myself, “You can not love something until you love yourself.” And thought about my mother. Her anxiety attacks, her sadness and depression, her fits of anger, her telling me and my brother that we ruined her life and her goals. And how I knew, that was the exact kind of mother I would end up being, because I was not ready. I still needed to work on myself, reach my goals, travel and show myself love and affection first. This is my life and I must feed my soul and become my best self so that one day and I can be the best mom. I can change the course of my destiny thanks to modern science and I will always be grateful for that. Waves of guilt and regret still come and go. I am very spiritual and on a daily basis ask the universe for forgiveness for I did not feel ready to accept their gift. I can admit I’m still mourning the possible life I could’ve started with the little bean. But I don’t mourn the person I would’ve become. It’s okay to feel conflicted with your choice. The main reason I feel guilt is because materially yes I could provide for a child, so naturally many would urge you to keep it. But emotionally I was not ready to provide, for I am still learning to love myself. It’s okay, I am not ready…one day I will be.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!