2 years later and I still miss you

by B

September 16, 2022

2 years ago I was 19 and in denial. I waited and battled with myself until I came to terms that it was my only option. My boyfriend, who I’m still with now knew this was the only option and was my absolute rock through the process. It was a little later than average so it was a 2 day process and he was there for me through it all. But the procedure itself and the after effects were very isolating. Two years later I still talk to that soul in my head, sometimes apologizing, and sometimes just to talk and tell them I love them and did what I needed to do to be the best mother at the time. The best thing I could do was let you go. I love you enough to let you go and trust you’ll come back to me when it is time.

It’s a strange and lonely feeling to grieve a loss you know was necessary. Looking back, I would make the same choice again. So there is no regret, but there is grief for the life we would have had and the way my life would look now.

I feel like a mother? Like I know I don’t have a child physically with me now, but for a time I did. And I believe that spiritually, I do have a soul with me. I had a deep sunset meditation where I felt completely at peace, and my mind went straight to my baby and I talked to them for about 30 minutes until the sun went down. I still have a lot of unprocessed emotions about it 2 years later, but that was an extremely comforting experience for me.

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