2 months later, confused/happy/proud/crying.

by Anonymous

July 8, 2020

I was 24 when I found out I was pregnant. Im the type of person that has been in long relationships since I was very young; 13 or 14, because of abandonment issues with my parents. My relationship of a year and a half with the father was ok, he loved me and didn’t cheat; but I thought about leaving often due to our differences and his inability to communicate , even in the first few months of the relationship. The day I found out I was pregnant I cried uncontrollably for hours. I have had unprotected sex for years and convinced myself I was unable to have children (out of pure ignorance, I was never taught about sexual health or consequences as a child and never took the time to learn as an adult), but lo and behold I got pregnant and completely fell apart. I knew I didn’t want it and I had way to many mental health issues to be able to be a mother. The father (an alcoholic who made all his money selling weed) begged me to keep it and made me feel like a monster and called me bad names when I brought up abortion. I didn’t have the self confidence to do what I knew I needed to do out of fear of being alone so I carried my baby for 10 weeks before getting an abortion. I hid my appt from my boyfriend for 2 weeks after I made it, as soon as I told him he absolutely berated me; called me a murderer, told all his friends, told his mother (who is very religious and called me the morning of my appointment begging me not to do it) , and it made it so hard to follow through.

I had to drive 5 hours to my nearest planned parenthood and those hours were terrible. I cried the whole time and felt so alone. However, sitting in the waiting room I had a moment of clarity. I was so sad but I felt so proud of myself for following through with what I knew what was the right decision. All the people I trusted and told made me feel so terrible and wrong but I was able to do what I knew was right and that got me through it. I drove back home and dealt with the anger and mistreatment from my ex for the duration of our lease (2 grueling months) and we absolutely didn’t work out but I am still proud of myself. I cry pretty often; when I see babies in stores or see the date and automatically do the math of how far along I’d be. But I don’t regret my decision and I think that’s the most important thing for woman to remember. You might feel sad even if you know you made the right choice. I’m sure I’ll be a mess on the due date and I miss my past relationship and what my life was before but this decision pushed me to realize what is most important and what goals I have and I will always be thankful for that.

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