When I became pregnant in 2014 with my boyfriend of 3 years, I knew in the most basic sense, we weren’t ready. I was only 23, and though he was a fair bit older, neither of us had jobs, and we both had dreams of making music our sole income. Financially weren’t ready, but emotionally, we were. I wanted that baby. And I knew I had supportive parents. I could always fall back on them. However, that proved to be something we’ve never fully broken away from.
My first abortion was in 2016, when my son was 9 months old. We were living with my parents and I had just started a new job. All of us living under the same roof was difficult to say the least. I didn’t want us to go through that again, so I had an early abortion. Though I was sad and disappointed in myself for getting pregnant so soon, it was an easy decision to make.
Within a couple of years, we were making ends meet in our own apartment, establishing our own little family. I had a daughter in 2019, and for a while I thought that’d be all the kids we’d have. With our sights on buying a house, the baby feeling came back to me. The thought of “doing things right”- being financially stable, having a career and a house and then having a baby, made me want that chance, so I kept that goal in mind.
Then my boyfriend lost his job, and our only option was to move back to my parents. I didn’t mind that, as long as it was temporary.
Then I found out I was pregnant. For 2 weeks I struggled on wether we should keep this one. This one didn’t make sense. How were we supposed to do all the things we planned with another baby on the way? This meant us depending on my parents longer and more often. I knew they always would and be happy to help, but it was a lot to ask of them, and I wanted to do better for myself and my children.
In my heart, I wanted this baby too. But I thought the responsible decision was to abort. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and a couple of the worst days of my life, because in those couple weeks, I became attached to it. I’ll always remember that day, and I’ll always wonder, because we were so close to keeping it. In the end we didn’t, and sometimes all I feel is regret.
I know I don’t have to justify my reasons for abortion to anyone, but I do feel I have to justify it to myself and to that little one of a kind life form. I did what I thought I had to to move ourselves forward in life.
