Where to start…
I never thought in a million worlds I would ever go through an abortion. I pretty much never thought about it and I didn’t think I had the profile of a potential abortion-seeker. In France, where I am from, there are SO MANY actions to prevent unwanted pregnancies and abortions, to promote contraception and make it accessible to ANYONE! There are free help centers, free help lines, free contraceptive distributors. Abortions are also made easy, free sometimes and are medically followed and safe. You hear about it, see posters and ads every day, everywhere. How could I ever reach the point of needing an abortion?
And here I am having my second abortion in 8 months, at 24 years old. There is not a type of person getting an abortion, not a profile, everyone is concerned and everyone might need, one day, to have an abortion for multiple different reasons. SYA is a proof of it! Do not blame anyone for having one, do not blame anyone’s behavior and decision, and it starts by NOT blaming yourself! DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!
I will make one statement now: abortion has been a relief to me, and not a traumatic experience. Both times my husband and I knew what was our decision immediately. I actually felt more sadness from my friends and my mom (and I couldn’t even tell my sister) than I would ever feel about it, myself. They’ve been scared for me, how I would psychologically handle it. But an abortion isn’t necessarily the traumatic experience that you most often hear about. It wasn’t for me. And you don’t have to feel bad for not feeling bad.
As soon as I had my first sexual partners at the age 19 I looked for a suitable contraception. I’ve struggled to find the right one due to fear of putting on weight mixed with food disorders. On top of it, I have PCO. Thus finding the right contraception has been a real journey. After a trial phase I found the right pill. Because it was a low dose pill my cycles were “canceled”. It didn’t change much for me: because I have PCO I barely had my periods and very irregularly, sometimes 4 times a year only.
I am now 24 years old and living as an expat in a Middle East country with my husband.
In November 2018 I decided to stop my pill for a while to leave my body free of hormones and have my periods again. I thought it would be healthy to take a short break. In May 2019, and as I was thinking to start my pill again, I was made aware of my 6 weeks pregnancy. I had a panic attack (never had before in my life!) and immediately called my husband. It was late at night and we were both shocked. We absolutely never planned a pregnancy anytime soon: at the time we were still planning our court marriage for the month of July, I was in the middle of changing jobs with a greater career opportunity ahead and was hesitating on which master to start. Financially speaking, we had just enough to live decently without being able to save enough yet for my masters or for our safe savings.
Our decision was pretty much made in 10 minutes. This wasn’t the way we pictured ourselves being pregnant and welcoming our first child into the world. Neither the time for us to become parents when we were still figuring out our own lives and our own stability.
As we live in a country where abortion is illegal it added to the stress/frustration of the situation, yet my husband handled it magically and arranged our flight to a nearby country where his cousin lives. We stayed at his place for 4 days and got a medical abortion in a great clinic recommended by his fiancée, she had an abortion before and walked us through it with all the best advices. I had no fear of getting the abortion, I was absolutely decided on my decision and as I would tell my mom later, it was just like getting rid of a bad flu. And I was extremely relieved as soon as the abortion was finished. It has been our decision from scratch and the process was very smooth. We just left all our savings in this procedure…
The abortion wasn’t a traumatic experience to me and was already well in the past. I was struggling after it with my contraception. My pills led to continuous bleeding for 4 weeks and despite my high hygiene care my skin started reacting badly to the pads and I had to stop the pill. My gynecologist then gave me a new pill to try (I was highly anxious to change the brand and type of the pill but couldn’t be picky at this point and had to fight my old demons). I could only start the new pill on the 2nd day of my next periods. But I have PCO, remember? My periods never came. We simply decided to not have sexual relations until then.
My husband planned a surprise weekend in a nearby country, where we did have sexual relations. It was 2 weeks and 3 days ago. We used condoms but I became very paranoid. We had some drinks that night and I didn’t properly check on the condoms. When we came back home I looked in all pharmacies and clinics for an emergency contraceptive pill, but it’s illegal and therefore not available. My gynecologist told me to take 4 regular contraceptive pills, 12 hours apart. Which I did. After which I started my new pill regardless of periods or not.
And 2 days ago, with sour breast, a new panic attack, ovaries hurting and a different kind of energy, I understood. I bought 3 pregnancy tests 2 nights ago, they all came positive. This is it. Pregnant again. This time we don’t have the money to travel all the way to another country again.
So we decided to have a home abortion. I couldn’t picture myself traveling again for an abortion and decided we have to make it happen here, at home, comfortably. We thought of contacting the doctor from our first abortion based overseas, my husband would make a round trip and bring the pills home; we thought of asking my best friend arriving next week from France to bring the abortion pills along; and then we found a fantastic website which provides pills for women who can’t access them for various reasons — based in a country where it’s illegal is one of them (visit ShareSafeAbortion.Info for more information – SYA). They follow each case very carefully. I ordered the pills an hour ago, after seeing my gynecologist who confirmed to me she’s unable to help me with an abortion as it isn’t legal. I got the blood test and ultrasound results, both showing an early pregnancy, the sac isn’t here yet. I should receive the abortion pills in a week’s time, right after the formation of the sac. This abortion is even smoother for us as we’ve been through it once and know our way around the procedure.
I wish I had restarted my pill earlier the first time I got pregnant, I wish I didn’t wait for my periods to come back the second time I got pregnant, I wish I wasn’t struggling with PCO and contraception, I wish I’ve had access to the emergency pill, I know I wouldn’t have to go through another abortion today, I wish I would have had a joker card, just make a mistake once with no repercussions, I wish things had been different.
As much as you could wish for a different scenario, you’re in this one now, and the best way to deal with it is to stop thinking of all the stereotypes ever heard about abortion! Deal with your own experience, your own unique way! Most importantly, do not be afraid to seek help around you. Talking about it and being advised make you realize SO MANY women get abortions! You’re not an exception AT ALL.
There isn’t one way to discover a pregnancy, there isn’t one way to deal with a pregnancy, there isn’t one way to deal with an abortion, there isn’t one way to deal with contraception, and there isn’t any right and wrong!
I must simply state in my own case, abortion hasn’t been at all what I feared about it before experiencing it. Abortion is probably one of the most misconceived things in the world and this misconception impacts women and their physical and mental health, for no reason. For one thing, pregnancy made me realise I’d be ready for it when the right time comes, it removed the fear of pregnancy I had once. And abortion allowed me to decide that this year wasn’t the right time for me. Both times.
