My first abortion was when I was 24. I was on the pill but had missed two doses that month by accident. But I was on my period when I got pregnant.  Used a condom but it broke, and took Plan B a little too late. The perfect storm of circumstances. I found out I was pregnant when I took a test at a friend’s insistence. I was so sure I wasn’t pregnant until I watched the second line appear right in front of me. I panicked. I took 12 tests hoping one would be negative. They were all positive.  The father was a one night stand with a ton of emotional baggage. We barely knew each other. I knew right away I would be doing this alone. I was fresh out of an engagement that ended badly when I met him. I hadn’t spoken to him in weeks. I was barely making ends meet. I knew my decision immediately. I was terrified but the whole process was smooth. The doctors were so comforting and kind. I think back with no regrets except for one. I wanted an IUD put in so this would never happen again until I was ready. Until I was stable and wanted to be pregnant. But the clinic did not have any on hand that day. I was not too concerned about it, I would just make another appointment when they did and get one then. But the abortion, that I did not and still do not regret. I wanted my first child to be raised with a set of parents, with financial stability, with an emotionally stable childhood, I knew I was in no position to offer any of those things. My decision was clear to me.

Fast forward exactly 10 months after my first abortion. I never made that IUD appointment, I lived 4 &1/2 hours from the clinic. I kept forgetting. But now I found myself feeling those same symptoms I felt before. I was tired, moody, aching, and late. I knew before I even took the test. I was pregnant again. I counted back. I got pregnant almost 9 months to the day of the first time I got pregnant. But now I was in a different situation. Now I was in a stable, loving relationship. Now I had the financial stability. Now I had the time, the space, all the things I didn’t have before. I thought about my options and every time I considered not having an abortion, the panic was so strong I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I told my now husband, that I just didn’t want this. I couldn’t explain it, I couldn’t find the right words to describe it, but I just didn’t want this. He understood. He never pushed me in either direction. He left this decision up to me entirely. He made it clear. Whatever choice I made was a choice that only I could make, that he was in for the long haul with me, he would be 100% behind me whatever choice I made.  He only told me afterwards that he was relieved by my decision as well, because he also did not feel ready but he wanted this decision to be something I had chosen for myself. He knew what I didn’t know at the time. Whatever decision I made needed to be a decision that I felt was right for me, that I could emotionally accept for the rest of my life.

He drove me the 4 &1/2 hours to the clinic, and held my hand in the waiting room. And then he held me everyday for the next week. I cried a lot. Not because I regretted it, but I cried because the relief I felt after my abortion was just so intense. The panic that had taken my breath away before was gone, I could breath deeply again now.

But I learned something about myself that day. I learned that I don’t just not want children because I’m not ready for them, but because I don’t want children at all.

I asked to have an IUD that day so I would never have to go through that again. Now I have that IUD. I do not regret that second abortion, but it took a long time for me to work though the emotions I was feeling surrounding the situation. I look back on it now and realize how fortunate I am to have had the ability to make those decisions for myself. If I did not have that choice, I would be in a different situation now, and one that I now know is not a situation I ever want for myself. I see friends around me make the decision to have children. But I have stayed mostly quiet about my decision to not have them. My only regret now is that I felt I was not allowed to voice that. But no more. This is me, shouting my abortion. And it’s relief to finally do so.