19.

I envy the women who say “it wasn’t a hard choice” or “I’ve never regretted my decision.” I found out I was pregnant just two months after turning 19. I was jobless, living at home with my mom, no post secondary education, struggling with depression along with self harm and I was drinking 4-6 days a week. I was nothing, at least that’s what I believed. I started dating a guy and within the first month of us hanging out I got pregnant. We used protection every single time and yet there I was…. the 0.1%. There were no signs of any pregnancy within the first two months; I even had some spotting and simply chalked that up as a light cycle (which is normal for me) and carried on. It wasn’t until about two months passed that I got uncontrollably sick and I confided in my mom, we went to the doctors that same day to get my blood tested and sure enough, it came back positive. My mind started spinning, I don’t even remember what was said to me in the doctor’s office that day. A day later I had a discussion with the guy I was dating and I came to the decision to have an abortion. He agreed, not that he actually cared what happened just as long as he had no part of it.

I had my abortion on September 25, 2012, a date that will forever be imprinted into my memory. I was so terrified that I was making the wrong choice since being a mom has been my dream since I was a young girl… It felt like I was just throwing that away. I knew that I couldn’t give a quality life to a child when I could barely maintain my own and as much as I wanted to be a mom and as much as I could have struggled by doing it, I just couldn’t be that selfish. There is no quality in living paycheck to paycheck and that is not the life I want for my children. I didn’t want a repeat of my childhood, eating oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for weeks on end because that’s all my parents could afford.

The nurses at the hospital that morning were outstanding and supportive beyond what words can describe. I was crying uncontrollably, physically shaking and I literally threw up all over myself in the chair and on my nurse because I was so scared… The doctor was so attentive to my emotions and she even stopped after inserting the clamp to ask me if I was absolutely sure this is what I wanted. And I was sure but that didn’t take away how terrified I was at the same time. I cried the entire 40 minute car ride home. When I got home I was so drugged up that I couldn’t walk and my mom had to carry me inside, I went to my bed and cried some more. I was heartbroken and I felt a deep loss alongside an empty pit in my soul, one that has remained empty since.

Two weeks passed by and the guy ended things with me which sent me into a downward spiral. I already felt so much shame for what I had chosen to do and he made me feel worse for not being able to mentally or emotionally handle my decision. For the first three years after my abortion I struggled deeply with shamefulness and depression and it wasn’t until I went to therapy that I was finally able to start healing. It has been almost seven years since my abortion, seven whole years, and it still feels like it happened just yesterday… I wanted to share my story for the women who felt this same shame or still feel it, I see you and I am with you. It angers me that people believe having an abortion is an “easy” choice for everyone or that a woman is somehow pleased with going through this procedure…For me this was not the case.

In these last seven years I have managed to start my Bachelors degree with the intentions of pursuing my teaching degree in the near future. I’ve had the absolute pleasure of working with children, teens and adults with severe mental disabilities and have made a significant change in the lives of some brilliant beings. I gained a new relationship with one of the most loyal human beings in my life and have been going strong with him for over 5 years. And NONE of that would have been possible if I didn’t choose to have an abortion.