17 weeks

by Anonymous

April 1, 2020

i don’t even know where to begin. it’s been about 3 weeks since my abortion and i still don’t know how to categorize my emotions. i was 17 weeks pregnant and scared- to say the least. i’m already a mother of one and i knew i wasn’t ready for another. my significant other wanted to me keep the baby, but i knew that abortion was the right decision for me. I still beat myself up from time to time for waiting so long to go through with the procedure but i went back and forth with my decision for weeks because i wanted to make sure i was 100% confident in my decision.

i booked my appointment and because i was so far along into the pregnancy, i had to have a two day operation. i couldn’t sleep the night before because my mind was all over the place. i think i’ve read every blog on abortion experiences and every step by step article about the way the procedure was supposed to go but yet, nothing would calm my nerves. believe it or not, the scariest part for me at the time was being sedated. i don’t do well with relaxers or sleep aids so i was really nervous about the sedation. my best friend drove me both days just because i didn’t know what to expect and i wanted someone there who supported me and wouldn’t judge me.

first day, they went over everything, ran labs and inserted the rods to help dilate my cervix. they gave me a mold sedation for this but it’s not always necessary. i wanted it (despite being terrified) because i knew if i didn’t, i would allow my nerves to get the best of me. the first day was long but mostly because of the labs and paperwork. inserting the rods only took about 15 mins and i had to stay in recovery for about another 15. Once i left i pretty much went on with my day like i normal would. the antibiotics they gave me did give me diarrhea and i also threw up a couple times but the cramps were mild (a 4 on a 1-10 scale). i didn’t need the narcos they prescribed me.

i went back the next day at 8am and they called me back almost immediately. they had me sit in the waiting room in the back and honestly i was feeling anxious but overall fine for the most part. however, a wave of emotions came over me and i couldn’t stop crying. my friend wasn’t able to come in the back with me so i felt alone more than anything. they called me to the back and i had to sit in the recovery room until the doctor was ready. they already inserted my IV for the sedation so the doctor wouldn’t have to. there was a girl that i recognized from the previous day who was just as far along as me, getting the same procedure. we talked, and cried together and the really nice nurse also was there to talk to us to take our minds off of everything.

after about 4 hours of waiting, the doctor finally called me back to begin. i just remember telling myself i can get through it over and over again. once we got in the back, they started explaining everything and they put the heart monitor clip on my finger and my heart rate was so high they told me if i didn’t calm down, they wouldn’t be able to do it which stressed me even more. however, the doctor and the nurse inside the room were so patient with me and so nice. they lit essential oils and rubbed my head and my arms to relax me and really tried to comfort me the best they could. honestly, if it weren’t for that, i probably wouldn’t have been able to go through with it. once they got me to calm down enough, they administered the sedation medicine and that’s the last thing i remember.

i woke up in the recovery room a little out of it and disoriented. they checked my bleeding, fed me crackers and water and once i was up to it, i was able to leave. the days to follow, i had mild bleeding. i went through about 4 pads a day for the first couple days and towards the end of the first week, i only needed panty liners. my emotions, however, were all over the place. i just kept thinking about how alone i felt in the procedure room. But i’m still confident in my decision. The funny part is, i was so worried about being sedated, and that was the only thing that got me through it.

to anybody thinking about abortion, especially a late term abortion like mine, don’t beat yourself up. at the end of the day, you know what’s best for you. no one can or should be allowed to tell you how to live your life. I will say that do your research on the place you’re having your procedure done at. those wonderful nurses and doctors welcomed me and made me feel so comfortable. it made a world of difference. not once did i feel judged or humiliated and for that, i’m forever grateful. at the end of the day, good people get abortions and never let anyone make you feel bad about your decision

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