I was only 14 years old when I discovered every teenager’s biggest fear. I was pregnant.
I remember the feeling I had the day I found out and the awful pit I had in the bottom of my stomach. I remember everything around me just fading away and my mind racing a million miles an hour. I remember being so in shock and not even believing or wanting to believe it.
“What am I going to do?”
“How did this happen to me?”
“What is my baby daddy going to think?”
“How am I going to tell him?”
“My life is over.”
“ I’m not ready to be a mom.”
“This can’t be happening.”
Those are just a few of the millions of thoughts running through my mind.
To say I was in no position to be pregnant is an understatement. I was only 14 years old, a huge party girl with failing grades in school, no job, no car or license and no real responsibility. I was also pregnant by my ex who I was in a toxic on and off situation with. He was not a good guy and could not stay out of trouble with his family or the law and was very toxic towards me. He was obviously just using me for sex, but I wanted him to love me and stay with me, so I just continued to sleep with him thinking it would change something. It didn’t and he just continued on with treating me poorly, playing me and being on and off with me.
I had watched Teen Mom all my life and knew enough about sex to know the risk that came with having unprotected sex, but me being young and dumb, thinking I was above anything like that, I did not think getting pregnant was something that would happen to me. Clearly, I was very wrong.
I did not have a good relationship with my parents either. They were very toxic and inconsistent in my life. I grew up most of childhood without them and my relationship with them just wasn’t good. I was raised mostly by my grandparents, who were very old school and Catholic and had put me through Catholic school and took me to church my whole life. I didn’t feel comfortable going to them because I know they would have been devastated to find out I was having sex and I knew they would hold it against me for a really long time. They also don’t believe in abortion and even though a part of me wanted to keep the baby and be a mom, I knew it was selfish and wasn’t in mine or the child growing inside of me’s best interest to keep it.
With the toxic household and family dynamic that I had and the fact that my life and my “relationship” or lack thereof with my baby daddy was so far from “put together”, I did not feel right bringing another person into my home or the world at all.
So, a couple weeks after I found out, I made the very difficult but mature and selfless decision to have an abortion. It was very hard on me emotionally, especially because my ex was hardly supportive, none of my friends or family knew and I just felt so alone and in the dark by myself, but I know it was the best choice I could have made in that situation at that time in my life. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about what could have been, but I’m at peace with my decision and I have no regrets. I can’t imagine my life if I had that child.
Abortions may not be for everybody, but I am strongly pro choice and I believe everybody should have the right to choose no matter what. If you ever have an abortion, don’t let people or the media shame you for doing what you feel is best. There is strength in making a choice to do something that is very controversial and potentially traumatizing. If you’re thinking of having an abortion, had one today or any day, I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you and I relate to you. It’s going to be okay. You are stronger than you know and sometimes the best decisions for us as humans aren’t always the easiest.
Good luck and best wishes to anybody reading this.
